I’m Feeling ‘22

PC: Cecilia Pang ;) Taken by yours truly on 35mm film

22 Things 2022 in NYC Has Taught Me

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I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling ‘22! Interestingly enough, I always blog birthday reflections but “22” is the year that’s missing. I was planning to go with “22 Things I Learned in 2022” as it has a nicer ring to it but, why not switch it up? Well, how did we get to the end of 2022? I seriously pose this question to myself. It’s funny isn’t it because I literally feel like I ask this question about how fast the time is passing every single blog I’ve written here in NYC. Wow. But I hope you give yourself a pat on the back. As we enter the fourth year of an ongoing global pandemic, I’m sure many of us are burnt out. So I want to acknowledge how momentous an achievement it is for the both of us to have gotten here. I am sending my sincerest best wishes to you and yours for joy, health, love, and peace entering into 2023. Thank you for being here, I am truly grateful to you the reader: who reads my random and what I think are funny and at times, insightful? musings.

A bit of a funny story before we get into this. I designed like 40 virtual cards to different mentors who have become friends and many of them were very touched and loved it. I must say I felt pretty proud of the card myself. It was nice and then a mentor turned-friend emailed back saying that he wanted to wish me a happy holidays but really hoped we weren’t entering into 2020 again. So my brain is a bit all over the place as I write this from a recognition of ‘almost burnout.’ How did I even automatically write 2020 LOL? Your girl must have been really tired. So here’s to 2023, not 2020!

Now, these are my 22 things that I’ve learned this year. We’re going to count down to 1, to ring in the New Year :D Don’t worry, this time it’s going to be easier to read than my 24 memories for 24 blog. It’ll be a paragraph max for each number. Indeed, you see, I’m learning. I take feedback from my readers ;) And no, I did not just add ‘NYC’ for the clickbait. 2022 is my first complete year spent outside of Vancouver and in NEW YORK CITY. Hey! I’m walking here!

22. Transience is permanence.

Life in this hustling, very bustly city means that change is everywhere, all the time, all at once. At times, it’s downright despair-inducing for a sentimental person (yes, mawkish might be a better choice of words) like me but it’s also liberating to recognize that everything as we know it is ephemeral. So “make the friendship bracelets/Take the moment and taste it/You've got no reason to be afraid.” Did you see what I did there? No, no? Well let me just applaud myself for a seamless transition into Swift’s songwriting once again. Indeed, with transience permeating every single thing here in the city, one has got to appreciate and savour the present moment as much as possible. Or as Sarah Kay puts it in her beautiful spoken word poem If I Should Have a Daughter: “But I want her to know that this world is made out of sugar/It can crumble so easily,/but don't be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it.”

21. Intentionality is key to stability.

I guess there’s that common understanding that life in the Big Apple can be lonely. People have blank stares and have a no shizzz attitude. But quite surprisingly, I’ve found some of the most beautiful friendships in this city and the kindest people (though I do tend to say that a lot don’t I, about Paris and Toronto—other cities I’ve lived in…so fair, if I’ve lost some objectivity and credibility in your eyes). I do mean it though. I find that because of how many things you could be doing in a given night like millions, some might say that it’s easier for people to back out last minute or ghost. Yet, my friends and I are intentional about one another. In this hyper-intensified city, we have to be even more intentional about making time to do things together or to see it through. And that, in and of itself makes each moment spent with friends special and sacred for me. That intentionality I have found, which time in NYC has taught me is the key to stable and I hope, long-lasting relationships. You know, not just about relationships with others but even the stability with one of the most important relationships I have--with myself. Similarily, I know that running 2-3x a week is what keeps me sane and walking or sweating at least more than 60 minutes is a day is necessary. When there are busy months in NYC, it’s busy and, add that with a social calendar, my google calendar is lit with seven colours every single day of the week and at times, most hours of the day. That means carving out time for myself becomes even more fundamental but also harder so intentionality in my choices is a must if I am to keep myself stabilized in this fast-moving world.

20. Nobody cares. That’s actually great!

This is another spin-off versions of one of the formative essays I’ve read in my life by David Foster Wallace, titled “This is Water.” So if you’re an old reader, you’ll know that maybe it wasn’t NY-specific but what I will say is that NYC strongly reminds you of this, every single day. I actually love it. When I’m running in Central Park or having a bad hair day getting off the subway, no one looks or stares. When I’m in Vancouver, I’m not that self-conscious but when I’m running sometimes people actually slow down their walking to look at me. Yes, I know humidity and rain are not good friends with my hair. Dang! One time I got pulled over by a Mercedes police car (you read that right, only in Vancouver)… and cars actually slowed down and people put their heads out of their windows to stare at me. Sad, indeed this was during summer 2021 and I forgot the insurance on my car expired due to not leaving the house most of 2020. I digress. But it’s like people mind your own business! That was a bit of tongue in cheek but perhaps it’s the craziness and abundance of people that makes New Yorkers desensitized to things (both for good and for bad). However, it’s a liberation to recognize in the context of our own lives that because we have universes of thoughts and perhaps even multi-verses of all the versions of things we wanted to do or wanted to say for “said” occurred or thought of scenario, we are just so centrally pinpointed on “me, me, me” pretty much for a lot of our lives. Because our existence is grounded within how we perceive things and how we feel and so forth. As a kid, I struggled so much with people pleasing and wanting acceptance. I cared painstakingly about how much people thought about me or what they perceived me as. Still do, but to a much lesser extent. I recognize my desire for control over my reputation. But then you realize, no one actually cares about "you” and that’s pretty great.

19. Beauty exists anywhere if you’re willing to look for it.

I do greet my nighttime neighbours. Yep, the rats. Okay, you’re thinking that’s disgusting. Well, garbage day is on Mondays and sometimes if I’m coming back to the apartment later in the evening (especially in the humidity of summer), it doesn’t smell great and I’m wearing my Birkenstocks with my toes embracing the air. This detail is important. I was never scared or had drastic gut reactions to rats compared to say, some of my friends. But some nights, I’m thinking wow. I’m paying this much money for rent and I need to clap my hands on the path back home just so my potential neighbours don’t scurry across my bare toes? And well, let’s be honest. Those nights if I’m feeling burnt out from work, I’m just not having it. Ugh. But then, some other nights on the same wavelength of those feelings, I feel something bubbling within me. An excitement. I’m tired from work and it’s Monday and I see those garbage bags heaving or rustling. Yet instead, I laugh. Eighteen-year-old Cecilia never could have imagined living in NYC. When she was at the UN Youth Assembly and visiting NYC for the first time, she couldn’t even bring herself to even dream that one day she would have an apartment while working at the UN. And so, I laugh. Instead of clapping to scare the rats away, I sometimes clap for the city, for me. This is what makes it New York and strange (and for some, gross) but some nights I recognize that I wouldn’t want it any other way.

18. You can’t have it all.

So, hot take? But tied to a similar point above that there are so many things I could be doing in a given night, I need to accept I could never do it all. I could live my whole life in New York or have 10 Cecilia’s living it out, and I still wouldn’t be able to experience NYC as much as I wanted to. We have the old adage, quality > quantity. Yes. My point is that this city has taught me so much about accepting that there are just so many beautiful books, classical pianists I want to watch perform live, musicals, museum exhibitions, pop-up food shops, etcetera etcetera that I will never experience. And that’s more than okay because that’s what life is about. It’s not only the choices I make about what I do eat or do, but it’s also about what I didn’t do. It’s a doubly powered choice because, with one choice, I’m actively choosing ‘it’ but I’m also unknowingly making a choice of not choosing “a plethora of other possibilities.” Cool, eh? *Also I realize my paragraphs were getting longer so keeping it short and sweet—

17. Life is not linear.

Well duh. But seriously, I love how I can talk to anyone or strike up a conversation (being aware of stranger danger, obviously) that people have these incredible stories. I have spent the past years obsessed with Humans of NYC. And I’m not saying it’s NY or NYC-specific at all. There are interesting people that exist everywhere, one just has to ask the right questions. But I will say that I heard that there are so many languages spoken in Queens, NY (the most of anywhere in the world). I think that’s incredible of how much diversity exists in such a relatively compact space. From so many different backgrounds and life stories, it’s a reminder that life is not linear for most people. People come to NYC with dreams or hopes. Whether chatting to people on my subway commute or at times, drivers on a late-night Uber, I love people’s stories of why NYC or their dreams. It’s invigorating to see how many ways life can unfold.

16. People can be so kind (and well, people can be so mean too).

What can I say. People have been so kind. Again, not just a NYC thing. However, being away from home and in a new place all by yourself means that you open yourself up to the possibilities for people to show up for you in a myriad of ways. Whether that be people who become your friends or people who remain strangers. Sometimes, I love the spectacularly special moments when people do something so incredibly uplifting for you or kind and then you never see them again. It makes it even more impactful because you won’t ever see them again. Case in point, one time I literally forgot my wallet and my phone died. Yep. I needed money for transportation back home. But first I needed to pee. I was like “what am I going to do?” I could walk back but that would be sooo far and also it was late. While in line for the washroom at some fast food chain, I was desperate and turned to the woman next to me (who was behind me in line) to ask a question. I don’t remember exactly what I asked but I was like, I’m trying to get back home but my phone died and I forgot my wallet… and she didn’t even ask more, she handed me a five-dollar bill. And told me to wait for her after she used the washroom (okay, American friends, “restroom.”) Then she literally walked with me on the way to the station (to be fair, she was also walking the same way she had said to me). This was close to my birthday and we started chatting about what we do, etcetera. Long story short, she also did political science, yay! As a mid-career professional, she then gave me advice. Don’t worry, not unsolicited. I had asked her what she wish she knew starting out in her career, like in my shoes. And she said, speak up. Don’t be afraid to be yourself. Be bold. For the most part, I’ve tried to remember the kind moments but indeed, in a fast-paced city, there are bound to be some rude moments. I’m not going to delve into that here but let’s just say, thank you next!! OK. Some people are having bad days so I’ll try to empathize. Then there are things that are straight-up not justifiable that happen in NYC and in other big cities. Moving on…

15. It’s okay to have fun.

Maybe this is something that isn’t mindblowing but it was for me. 2022 was the first year perhaps since I was a little girl where I didn’t just realize from a logical perspective that having fun is needed but I actually lived it out. The people here in NYC just know how to have fun! Thank you, my NYC friends to teaching me how to work hard, have fun, and yes, be a bit more than goofy sometimes. Love you! Mwah!

14. Luck plays such a big part in all aspects of our lives.

Relationships. Opportunities. This is tied to the next point but wow do people work hard here? Hustle culture is epitomized here. I’m not going to glorify the work culture because as a Canadian, I realize how different the work culture is compared to the way Americans approach work. I think what I’m trying to say is that I recognize how hard I work but also how hard everyone works. People in NYC are a constant reminder that there are so many hardworking, competent, kind, “deserving” folks but at the end of the day, due to systemic advantages I and others may end up with opportunities that others may not have been as lucky to receive. As a political science student, the biggest maxim I learned is both from Anthony Giddens’ “The Constitution of Society,” Iris Marion Young’s “Responsibility and Justice,” and Hannah Arendt’s “The Human Condition.” That is to say, society is comprised both of individuals who have different elements of agency to pursue decisions yet society is also constituted by repeated patterns of behaviours that are institutionalized and recognized as the structural frameworks that undergird many social processes. In other words, we can say that a person works hard and is an independent, responsible individual with the capacity to make decisions for themselves. Sometimes, they make choices such as spending money as opposed to saving money. And so certain outcomes must on even a minute level attribute personal responsibility. However, society is systems and that means, certain outcomes must on another level attribute systemic responsibility. For instance, how certain banking accounts that make saving a lot easier or accrue more interest is categorized for those with a certain income bracket (again, not saying whether this is right or wrong as this is economically incentivized as well, etc). It’s not either/or and it’s certainly much more nuanced than this, but I want to say that I recognize point 14 has many complex nuances about it. What I want to focus on is that I am very much reminded how lucky and privileged I am every single day here in NYC. I see individuals singing their hearts out on subways, dancing it out on the streets, selling chocolate bars, waiting tables, driving Ubers, etcetera on top of the other hustles or jobs that they got going on. And so, yes there are entrepreneurs who love the quote that luck is some intersection of opportunity and hard work. No doubt about it. But also recognizing that there are so many people who work so hard and try to make opportunities for themselves and it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re winning the next Golden Globe or creating the next Apple. I love the movie La La Land because it does such a complex, heartbreaking, yet beautiful portrayal of this.

13. Hard work.

This point is about work being hard. Adult life isn’t easy. Burnout is real. Time flies fast here. But it isn’t just about putting in the work for work. It’s hard work to be disciplined enough to prioritize time with oneself, away from all the hustle and bustle. But that time is so necessary and fundamental to being able to put in the work for our jobs, for our family, for our community. I’ve definitely learned this the hard way haha, really the ‘hard work.’ Because here in NYC, if you don’t, well you learn quickly that it isn’t sustainable.

12. Things can be miraculous. Things are miraculous.

Pretty much says it for itself doesn’t it. If I think about what a miracle it is to be alive, I do. I do especially when I run my 6 mile loop of the Kennedy resevoir. I feel my breath form and if it’s really cold out, I see the humidity vaporize in the frigid air around me. Do you know what a miracle water is? For the molecules to be constructed the way they are so that ice can float on water? Can we imagine how life would not be possible if something we couldn’t even see was structured differently? Then I think about my lungs. I think about how they’re intricately detailed. How breathing works at the detailed level. Then I think about the sun. Like woah, the sun is a miracle. How I get to wake up everyday and reap all it’s benefits (you know for better and for worse, gotta always put on that sunscreen cause too much sun isn’t the best). Okay, and I could go on and on. But even the people I cross paths with are a miracle to me. Like sometimes I just run into people in NYC either those that I met here or people I met elsewhere. Isn’t that crazy? Okay fair, Manhattan isn’t like the largest place in terms of mileage but it’s a lot of people. And it’s just like if I turned away or decided to take that street or a bunch of other random combinations of things, I would not have crossed paths with them. That culmination of things coming together to make that perfect encounter is miraculous. And well, you know where I’m going with this. You are a miracle. You are. Think about. And then get back to me ;)

11. Creativity comes from stillness, not franticness.

Yeah. A lot of famous artists and inventors have said this. Or some variation of this. But I’m going to phrase it like that so I can say that “I said it like this.” LOL. I still use LOL and it’s great. Join the club! Seriously though. This point is the crux of it. I used to think that the intensity of emotion and experience was the fire necessary to write. I used to think that intensity of passion was the fire necessary to make relationships work. Creativity for art or creativity for sustenance, I have now found comes from a sense of groundedness, stillness, and inner peace. It’s a blue sky with clouds passing by. Light as a feather. Only in the quiet, can the voice longing to grow out from within can be made known. And the “paying attention” to that creativity that comes from within or from outside needs patience and commitment. It isn’t sexy. It’s much sexier to run around (I would know this because I love to fill up my schedule). But it’s that sitting down and listening and keen attentiveness that doesn’t right away do the trick but over time, does. Ar least for me.

Okay, here are the famous people's quotes ;)

As the great Thomas Edison once said, “The best thinking has been done in solitude. The worst thinking has been done in turmoil.”

And Albert Einstein once said, “The monotony and solitude of a quiet life stimulates the creative mind.”

10. Crazy elements end up working out. That is, it always ends up working out.

Subway system. How exactly does this work? I mean actually. Like so many people use the subway system and there’s that annoying track maintenance on weekends that doubles the amount of time commuting… However, I think it’s crazy how things work out at the end of the day. Despite all the congestion or backlog, you end up getting to where you need to go. Maybe longer than intended, but you do. And that’s a win worth celebrating. I also think about how many people cut each other off on the streets of Manhattan. Pedestrians. Bikers. Drivers most definitely. So how do people get to where they are going? I don’t know. But it happens. Beats me! A good reminder that, take a breath. It's going to work out :-)

9. Chill out, what ya stressing out for?

NYC is hectic and so in some ways, this means that I’ve been taught to (for survival purposes) to let go. There’s so much people, possibilities, and things that can go wrong. The best I can do is prepare myself: be safe than sorry and then after that, say bye bye to the things that take up too much free rent in my mind. Easier said than done. But there’s always so much happening. Chilling out becomes necessary.

8. Asserting boundaries is key to survival.

Last year for my birthday, my wonderful friend Chelsea bought me a book called “Set Boundaries, Find Peace.” Well, when I was reading it, I was like I really hope and aspire to be able to do that someday. Well, that day has arrived. With again all the funny, crazy, and weird things that happen in NYC, I need to be alert but more importantly, I need to communicate what it is that I need. For instance, sometimes you’re waiting in line and well, people cut the line. I think these are tourists to be completely honest… as it only happens when I brace myself for whatever touristy attraction I’m checking off my bucket list. Before, Cecilia would have let it go. Cecilia would have been calm with a fake smile plastered over her face. It’s okay. It’s whatever. Inwardly, I was not okay. It’s not okay to cut people off when the people behind you have been waiting for close to 45mins or an hour. Like nope. Get back in line. To the very back. Sometimes I mutter under my breath but now after living here for one and a half years, I’m getting better at kindly and respectfully telling people: “No.” And this is spreading into my personal life. I especially can’t let things affect my health in terms of sleep. I’m not a Drake fan but you know the lyric in his song, “I only love my mom and my bed, oh I’m sorry.” I paraphrased but yes, that is me. My bed. My sleep. Speaking of which, have you read “Why We Sleep” by Matthew Walker? No? That’s okay. I’ll save you the many hours (though it’s a pretty informative book), basically, SLEEP > all else. A slight exaggeration but that’s basically the one-liner I got from that book. You want good health? You want a long life? You want to feel and not just be happy? Well, sleep is the answer. So thank you to my friends who love me as I am, who help protect my sleep time at social events by reminding me that, “hey, do you want to head out together to catch the subway, I know it’s getting late past your bedtime.” My heart is warm. But also, asserting boundaries and seeing who values them, teaches you about the people around you and the people you might like to keep ;)

7. You snooze, you lose :(

In NYC, literally when you snooze you lose. Like if the car doesn’t start moving when it’s their green light, well the power of numbers in pedestrians will come out and keep walking. Sorry, car drivers, I’ve become ‘that’ person. But it’s true. So, it’s some sort of random saying that if you don’t take up space or do what you need to do, others will at times take that option from you. This is somewhat tied to the point above about asserting boundaries. If you need to drive, stay alert and go when it’s green (except if there are people already walking, in that case, you just HONK!) That was a metaphor but you, my smart reader, can read through the lines? I trust you.

6. Consistency pays off.

C.S. Lewis said “Day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different.”

Sometimes I blink and a month passes. Okay that’s an exaggeration. But swimming and running a few times a week has changed a lot. Small things are small but they become bigger and stronger. Sound familiar? Yes, a spin-off of Clear’s “Atomic Habits.”

5. It’ll never be enough.

In a place with so much all the time, it’s easy to be swept away. I used to think of how capitalism is on full display here. It’s true. The convenience is unparalleled and the ability to spend money is very easy here. Too easy. However, I think of how it’ll never be enough. Not in the consumerism sense of more, more, more. Or more money, etcetera. I think about time. Whether it’s days, years, or decades here, it’ll never be enough. Not just this city and what it means to me. But it’s about the people too. The people I love. The time I spend with them won’t ever be enough. I’ll never have enough time to be prepared for an exam or for something I deeply care about. And perhaps, that’s what’s crucial. It’s in between feeling that it is enough and that it isn’t enough that we cherish and strive to remember the vividness of the present moment. The iridescence of human experience is captured in this flux of getting it terribly wrong and at times, wonderfully right.

4. Choosing must > should.

This year as I mentioned above was about asserting boundaries and communicating more clearly. Things that are simple but are incredibly hard for me. I can’t say more than Elle Luna has already in her incredible essay “The Crossroads of Should and Must.”

“Because there is a reoccurring choice in life, and it occurs at the intersection of two roads. We arrive at this place again and again. And today, you get to choose” - Elle Luna.

See, NYC has taught me this because of the incredible writers, poets, photographers, and artists in this city. The ones who dream and who are seen as risking it all. But after some conversations, I realized that, no it’s not about throwing the comfortability or certainty all away. It’s about choosing what ‘must’ be done because art is an extension of their survival. This is reminiscent of a book I read that covers how Hemingway wrote. And it’s from memory but I remember him saying that writing is painful but not writing is even more painful.

3. Breathing. Learning how to breathe is life-altering.

Breathe in, breathe through/Breathe deep, breathe out. As Miss Swift so accurately sings, “it only hurts this much right now.” That is what I tell myself over and over to breathe through the chronic pain sometimes when it gets bad. Perhaps, this is why I’ve run the most I have ever run in my entire life here in NYC. 500km this year. But running is powerful for me because it forces me to breathe. To really breathe. And to pay attention to how I’m breathing. The thing is sometimes I didn’t realize how much I was holding things in or not breathing deep breaths. But the way the symptomatic and asymptomatic systems work in our bodies, breathing is such a central part of relaxation and helping with stress. Metaphorically, breath is symbolic for me. Because there were many instances in my adolescent years when I couldn’t breathe by myself and had to quite literally, learn how to breathe again because sometimes I was scared (in the millisecond before I had to do so) of the pain. A creative non-fiction essay I wrote back in 2018 still rings true to this day. It’s called “Lenses of Longing” published in the newspaper of my alma mater. Go Thunderbirds!! The point is a kind and perceptive friend reflected on the piece and the exact words are gone now as he no longer uses Messenger but he said something along the lines that breath is a powerful focal point for presence. Exactly. Breath reminds you that you are alive. You are here. And that is something to be in awe of. You are surviving or thriving—whatever the season is. But you’re breathing and that is a small victory to be celebrating.

2. Let it go, let it go.

If you know me well, then you know I’m singing the song. Can’t hold it back anymore. I came to NYC with a penchant to over-analyze situations and criticize myself. The person who moved to this city a year and half ago is so much different to the person I am today. Many parts of me, my essence still remains and that’s something I’m proud of. But to say how light I feel is an understatement. The rock of self-hatred and blame has been lifted and now I can breathe. I can breathe in ways I couldn’t before. And it’s about letting go of what I thought would be or should be. It’s about now and all that matters is that I’m going to sing Frozen. Tied to previous points, with all that has happened and continues to happen in NYC both very shockingly good and terrifying things, letting go is paramount. Let it go, let it go—

1.I am loveable.

I never thought this could be true. That today, I can say those words firmly without any doubt. The little girl who used to pray that one day, I could look in the mirror and be happy and accepting of who I was—flaws and all—is jumping with joy. But here in NYC, I have made friends I am so x10000 grateful for. I don’t have the words to say how touched I am to be loved. To be loved before anything I can do or what I produce. I just am and I am loveable. Thank you to my beautiful friends for teaching me time and time again, for holding me, and for being patient as I figure out how to love myself properly. You all mean the world to me. Thank you, NYC for helping me fully accept my quirks and marvel at the quirks of others. When I see the more difficult things in others around me, I am able to feel tender and touched that I, myself feel the same things.

Thank you so much for being a part of my journey in 2022, I can’t wait to see what is in store for you in 2023 and to tackle the next year together. Happy New Year! Until next year, this is Cecilia writing off with lots of love <3

:) To read some of my latest blogs from the last quarter of 2022, check out the links below: