26 dares in my best dress, fearless
Left: little me at 6 years old | Right: older me twenty years later…(yes, I don’t wear dresses usually but I dressed up for the occasion ;)
Another trip around the sun and now, I’m a little past my mid twenties (ahhh, screaming)! In typical Cecilia fashion, the annual birthday blog has arrived. So last week, I asked 26 friends for some truth and dares (well, sort of). For this upcoming year, my friends have so kindly indulged me by taking the time to reflect with me on what courage looks like in their own lives, how they define courage, and what they hoped I could have more courage to do.
I got to reflect with my friends on courage. And if I could sum up as best as I can what they shared with me. It’s this. Courage is about taking steps to prioritize one’s authentic self whether that includes reinvention or pursuing something unconventional in recognition of how difficult it is but to push through and being intentional in doing so. Courage is about fighting in what you believe to be right. Standing up for one’s values even when it is hard to do so. Courage is about being actively engaged in making choices to navigate life’s obstacles or uncertain outcomes in pursuit of a goal. Courage is pursuing a course of action you believe in despite it being very difficult or painful or very risky. Courage is finding that healthy balance of being okay with where you are but also finding that sweet spot of just outside of your comfort zone to pursue new beginnings or to continue sticking it through the difficult chapter. Courage is recognizing that there is nothing you can’t accomplish. It’s about taking the leap and understanding the potential consequences and failures that come with it, but doing it anyways. Courage is about finding out who you are, making room for who you are, and finding your voice.
My friends kindly gave me these encouragements or fun dares for 26 with my comments in parentheses:
putting my own happiness and health first regardless of what other people may think (preach)
dance x2, or do a play or something for fun (yep, getting back into ballet and maybe something outside of my comfort zone, salsa…idk?)
do something just for the sake of being happy about it (OKAY, i need to work up the courage to get to painting my nails black)
join a tennis, pickleball or very public event and go do it (i wish i was a tennis or pickleball girlie, maybe i could be… but i’ll join a running club and some public reading events)
talk to friends about faith, share my faith more boldly (yes, heard!!)
pursue the man that I like *if there is one (not a problem, i think i scare men away with my directness but i know now, the right man will accept me AS I AM, haha)
try something I previously thought I couldn’t do (hmmm, there’s nothing actually that i think i can’t do, i know sorry humble brag… but okieee i’ll think of something bold)
when overwhelmed and busy , to just take the day off and to do something that I love (future me who fri sat / sun night as i sit trying to debug code ARGHHH will thank you)
find something every day for a month or 2 weeks or 100 days that I may be rejected from but that I would like *if not rejected (oooh maybe, i’ll do can i ask you a question to strangers, then ask them my fave cheesy question iykyk ;)
start a creative writing community (girl, yes how did you know what i was thinking LITerally)
get outside and outdoors more…ie.do a solo hiking backpacking trip (okay, again how do you know me so well, 100X YASSS #panoramaridgebefore30?)
to UNAPOLOGETICALLY be myself (emphasis on the caps)
to continue surrounding myself around people who love me for me (SO LUCKY TO BE SURROUNDED BY AWESOME PEOPLE)
take myself on a date wearing my hottest dress (i gotta be fire)
take the learning experiences from dates and continue growing (you know i’ll be taking my behavioural insights and seeking to apply theory into practice)
sing in the middle of central park (YES, this is coming)
The biggest biggest thank you to Christina, George, Gabi, Etana, Simone, Clara A, Anna, Nejla, Thandi, Kayla, Fion, Grace, Eric Y, Eric E, and Eric K for your insights :))
To cap up this summary of beautiful, encouraging responses of utter wisdom from these incredible people in my life… I also want to take a paragraph or two (okay, let’s be honest maybe a few) to reflect on why I’ve been thinking about courage.
Starting a Ph.D. was one of the easiest and hardest decisions of my life. Easiest in the sense that it’s always been something on my mind even as a young girl with hopes of coming up with scientific or knowledge breakthroughs. It was also the hardest decision in my life as it was concretely becoming more obvious to me how much being away from family and home gets harder with age especially as others start other very pivotal chapters of their life that you have always seen for yourself: putting a down payment on a home, starting a life with someone you love, having children potentially, and so forth. This wasn’t lost on me. I knew as much as I could through my overthinking tendencies what I was getting into. Yet, 25 was a year like no other. I moved three times, two times somewhat unexpectedly. I went on two dream road trips, one to Cornwall, one to Cape Cod—each with my best friends one on one Gabs and George. I got to present papers and paper ideas for my professional realms and I got to present creative work and poems for my personal sustenance. I was able to reunite with my extended relatives after more than eight years of being apart and I got to discover parts of China, UK, USA, Canada, and France I never had before. Most importantly, I got to grow and deepen my friendships with the most wonderful human beings that I have the privilege of getting to love and to grow old in this world together as we share life’s ups and downs and to reflect on how we learn in our professional and personal lives. A year in Philly, in a city I did not know anyone before moving to was extremely hard even for my extroverted self. But 26 can be a year of possibility as I rebuild my roots and strengthen friendships with new friends, start teaching undergrads, and hopefully pass comps (lol, only time will tell).
I think so deeply about the past and the future. I often joke that I live more for my future self than my current self. And so I’ve been thinking a lot about courage in terms of really leaning into the present. What does it mean to be expectant of something that’s happening tomorrow instead of a month or a year out? What does it mean to just go with the flow and see where things go? What does it mean to not have everything thought out and be ready and prepared and just experiment to figure out how to tweak as I go? These are all things I’ve been thinking about. To me, courage is about understanding who you really are… like really listen to what it is that you want, you need, your weaknesses, and your highlights. Then from there beyond being okay with who you are, loving yourself and navigating a world that will test you and strain you and exhaust you. Nonetheless, to push through and to stay true to who you really are, your values, and your preferences in spite of whatever it is that’s going around you. It’s to fight for what you believe to be true and to be right. It’s to love yourself in all rawness and brokenness and utter perfection.
I’m getting back into all the things I loved that I put on the back burner when I started the PhD because I cared too much about how my professors would think of me. I went all in but like even more in and it wasn’t the most healthy looking back. I’m coming back to the creating—the art, the community, the writing, all of it. I’m also spreading my wings and trying some new things. I’m going to say yes and see where things go instead of no, because…I haven’t gotten it all figured out. I’m still learning and I still feel like a kid sometimes but this year will be about unleashing and revealing my goofy and playful inner child ready to rediscover the world and more importantly, refine that voice of mine. How can I feel like I have the right and confidence to share who I am, what I’m thinking, and my opinions without over-qualifying and coming up with a thousand counter-arguments. Rather than do do do, it’s time to be be be.
some recents from the past two months <3
