high in the sky, philadelphia under me
a short and sweet recap of my first year of the phd —
left: a photo of the first day of my first year | right: a photo of the last day of classes of my first year
I think my cohort mate said it best: “everyday, I feel like I’ve either made the best or worst decision of my entire life.”
Some moments from the craziest roller coaster ride I have ever ridden in my life: taken from my diary and others still there, not here.
February 16th, 2023: After a week of six straight up rejections from other schools. The acceptance didn’t hit me until I finished the letter and asked Christina to read it to me. I got back from London a few days ago and had made my peace in Cornwall that perhaps the PhD dream was a dream no longer. Nine schools. Six no’s back to back. And then three yes’s? What was happening? I’m in a daze. For the past six months, I was fixated on every word, every sentence of my application. Penn was my top choice and I had already been coming to terms NYC was no longer a part of the short term future in October. But now that it was reality, I couldn’t believe it. For the past five years, I was circling back to this decision. I know I can do it. But it’s whether I should.
September 9th, 2023: And folks, that pretty much wraps up my first month in Philly and well, three weeks of the PhD. Okay let’s call it night! My eyes need some rest from coding pretty much 70% of the past 72 hours. Some days, I think I feel so exhilarated of how I’m becoming a * scientist * spooky by the way and I feel proud of myself in how I’m achieving my dreams. Then, there’s the doubt. Oh, the doubt is so much stronger than it ever was. Even if I try my best and work super hard, will it be enough? Luckily, I’ve come to a place of acceptance that nope, it will not be enough—never will. I will fail, fail, fail again. I will hit wall after wall. And why must I do this to myself? Why couldn’t I be okay and satisfied. A mind blowing moment was reading Kyla’s newsletter on substack that you have all these super rich and successful people getting everything they ever wanted and accomplishing all their dreams, but then… what’s next? They feel so dissatisfied. News flash. These people were always dissatisfied, which is what kept them trying…trying to achieve satisfaction? The human nature that the political theorists documents so well. Wow, that was a tangent. Point is, somedays I struggle with my dissatisfaction of complacency. How did I get to where I am always trying to run away from complacency and yet, secretly yearning for the right balance between being ordinary and extraordinary. Anyhow, it’s going to be fine regardless though because the intention going into it was aligned and I feel I made these baby steps into the PhD as a way of coming to terms that I like puzzles and challenges. I like the immense relief that comes from writing a thorough-ish paper and really sitting with something for a while. I think discipline is sexy and so, here’s to that: here’s to being more sexy. All these sorts of my brain are spilling over onto this page and I guess it’s best to capture how I’m feeling and thinking in this current moment. So here we are.
May 10th, 2024: With specific fixations on a certain expectation comes judgement if we don’t reach those expectations. Rather than judge, pay attention. Just observe. Just let yourself be.
May 14th, 2024: It’s not so much about what you take in, but what you keep out. How does one protect the precious?
I’ve learned that lately that it’s not so much what you choose to do, but what you do not choose. Much of life is not about what you did but also what you didn’t. Research and learning is so much about what do you keep in, what do you take out. The clarity and peace of mind comes from what you decide to keep out.
June 7th, 2024: I wrapped up the term a few weeks ago and It was the roughest semester of my life with the apartment flood getting me really really sick. I was in a lot of pain that compounded over time and made It difficult to decipher if I was just not getting things or you know, actually the amount of stressors would make anyone crumble. I think the latter but the PhD is so much a mind game. It’s about taking deep breaths all the time and not getting caught up with how you’re going to get there or whether you will, but just trusting in the process.
The biggest thing I’ve learned this year about myself is that I care so much about my reputation and crafting the perfect image of myself and work that I don’t like to not have control of how the final outcome will be like. But the issue is that research is humbling me professionally and personally because that’s not possible. Life is messy and it’s experimentation. You have to tweak as you go. You have to taste and then adapt. So don’t let perfect be the enemy of good. Both with my work and with my relationships. Period.
Last takeaways in no particular order as this blog is getting a bit more unhinged in organization as I await the train to the airport for China. But alas here we go:
"My job isn't to know who I am. My job is to make space for who I am" - Jacob Collier
“A book won’t move your eyes for you the way images on a screen do. It won’t move your mind unless you give It your mind, or your heart unless you put your heart in It. It won’t do the work for you. To read a story well is to follow It, to act It, to feel It, to become It—everything short of writing It, in fact. Reading is not « interactive » with a set of rules or options, as games are: reading is actual collaboration with the writer’s mind” - Ursula Le Guin
“My mom always tells me that when I was a little kid, she never had to punish me for misbehaving because I would punish myself even worse. I’d lock myself in my room and couldn’t forgive myself, as a five-year-old. I realized that I do the same thing now when I feel I’ve made a mistake, whether it’s self-imposed exile or silencing myself and isolating. I’ve come to a realization that I need to be able to forgive myself for making the wrong choice, trusting the wrong person, or figuratively falling on my face in front of everyone. Step into the daylight and let it go” - Taylor Swift
“Unspoken boundaries often cause frustration. What is one area of your life where you would benefit from having clearer boundaries, but haven't voiced them yet?” and "You don't need to worry about progressing slowly. You need to worry about climbing the wrong mountain” - James Clear
“Stepping up to change what you can’t tolerate is why we as a country have the right to speech, assembly, and petition enshrined in our constitution” - Ms. Omar
Some photos not all but thank you, thank you friends xx for getting me the bluest of blues of this crazy crazy year.
The most important thing I’ve learned this year from my friends (love you sm) is that:
I used to be told that love is a finite resource and you need to guard It closely. Don’t give too much of yourself, don’t go all in too soon. Because you’ll slowly let this world erode you.
But I realized that when you refract love into this world, It can be generative. Not always but mostly. When I’ve given my love and heart to the people that feel that love deeply, they reflect that back and It deeply replenishes me to have more love to give not only to the world, them, but also myself—
So I’m going to love deeply. I’m going to continue going all in with my love because my friend’s have taught me that when your love touches the right people, It will multiply and It won’t leave you feeling alone or empty. It will be an overflowing overwhelming abundance of deep utter joy to be able to experience what the depths of respect, kindness, and ultimate reverence you can have for another and for that composite “us.”
