falling through fall
“a girl and her sandcastle” | pc: john dimase
a blog about process and finally, letting myself fall—-
“Look, the trees
are turning
their own bodies
into pillars
of light,
are giving off the rich
fragrance of cinnamon
and fulfillment,
the long tapers
of cattails
are bursting and floating away over
the blue shoulders
of the ponds,
and every pond,
no matter what its
name is, is
nameless now.
Every year
everything
I have ever learned
in my lifetime
leads back to this: the fires
and the black river of loss
whose other side
is salvation,
whose meaning
none of us will ever know.
To live in this world
you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it
against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it
go,
to let it go.”
You expected to be sad in the fall. Part of you died each year when the leaves fell from the trees and their branches were bare against the wind and the cold, wintery light. But you knew there would always be the spring, as you knew the river would flow again after it was frozen. - Hemingway, A Moveable Feast.
falling forward (written in October 2022)
giving thanks (written in October 2021)
These are some quotes as we begin the gradual transition from fall into winter. So I really like fall because it’s a time when things die and that closing up and beginning of hibernation is so necessary to take pause and stock to revaluate and to allow things to grow again. The seasons remind me how there are ebbs and flows and how the body especially needs time to regenerate. Just as time sleeping is crucial for the processes of the day, the seasons are an amazing reminder for rest and rebirth that will later come in the spring. This fall I let myself fall. Let me explain what I mean.
I used to fear falling because that meant I couldn’t control myself in the descent. It was that form of unexpectedness that meant I tried artfully to master the perfect execution of landings. Whether it was in my personal or academic life. Let’s get it right by planning every contingency so I can land on my two feet. Well, let me take you back to the scenes as it’s been a hot minute.
~~~
Since the past year, I’ve been writing a lot but in my journals and less on my blogs. This came from a combination of things 1) The PhD can really take a lot out of someone (in many ways, good but also in many ways, exhaustive) and thus, It was a lot easier just to write my thoughts down on paper instead of setting It up on a blog. 2) I grew up writing a blog for me and for others but mostly for me. It was a way of surviving difficult things that were hard to process so that others who might find themselves feeling similarly could feel less alone. But what I didn’t know then that i know now, is that secretly I was waiting for affirmation. I wanted to be validated that I was enough by others through their acceptance of me through my writing. If I couldn’t actually show my vulnerability and tell my vulnerability wouldn’t that work instead? And It did. For so long It was enough and more than enough. Yet, because of the immense personal growth that has happened to me especially in the span of the past 2 years, I have learned a form of radical acceptance that took a long long time. But now I can just be. Be myself with my close friends and not feel scared to share the real me. The me that feels pain and is in pain often. The me that feels exhausted and yet still tries to give when instead, rest is what is needed. So that being said, this is likely the most incoherent blog yet because wow, has this past semester been A LOT. All of it so fruitful and generative but also exhausting. And so bear with me because the points of this may or may not be made clear right away but I hope It’s somewhat illuminating for you as much as It is for me.
In the past few months, a lot has happened in life and in work. I had a front loaded semester that was very much centred around getting through my classes and running some original research ideas into fruition. I went to Miami on a bit of a whim but also with some preparation and It wasn’t all that I expected It to be but in some ways, It taught me much more than I initially thought. In fact, when things didn’t go the way I had planned, I had somehow in the moment came to a stunning realization. It was a lot of work, work that included not getting anywhere. Very much the necessary dead ends so to speak of research yet I feel as if many of them were beneficial in the sense that I realized through the process of hitting the dead ends, I was more than learning but learning that I was a resilient person for navigating the dead end with clarity and curiosity. And I think that ultimately, mattered more to me. That I as a person in the face of “failure” was not seeing it as failure but a wonderful way to learn something new. So rather than just being cheesy and saying that it’s all about the process, it’s about the act of becoming through that process. Who am I amidst the ups and downs?
On that point, I finished presenting some original research today on empathy and interpersonal dialogue (if you responded to that survey I bothered you about, I am immensely grateful). I was unsure of how it was going to be received because this was me, doing it! Like solo! And research is exhilarating but also terrifying. I’m glad my professor received my paper / presentation well and was super encouraging. The words of encouragement gave me a lot of hope to continue with it amidst some initial pushback from professors initially.... (speaking of which, I’m still working on how to push past the dissent and stick my ground when it comes to ideas). Anyhow, the paper is coming along and getting wrapped up. Ahhhh. Exciting!! But while the class was going through presentations, I kept thinking as kids we are taught to make our presentations perfect. That’s the end result. And yet as I get older or maybe just the PhD, I realize how not just our work but our lives are always going to be work in progresses. And so the sooner we realize that, the more liberated we can feel to share that hey, you know what I’m still figuring it out and that’s okay. I’ve done the best I can do with what I have up until this point and truly, that is all anyone can ask of me. So here are the imperfections and here are the things I’m still working through. That’s the biggest thing I’ve learned about through the PhD this year (that isn’t like literature related). That the final product is so often so different. But we need to share what we’re working on with others in community, to get the feedback necessary to tweak and adjust as we head our final course. Did you see what I did there? I think that’s a good metaphor for life.
And then on that note, well life has been lif-ING. I got to share my story in a Moth storytelling event hosted by Clara. I shared my life story through the metaphor of sandcastles and big storms washing them away (I’ve talked about it way too much at this point, but if interested, a high level recap is my “decade passed blog from April 2014”). Anyhowwwww, It’s been a socially and community intense semester with lots of building roots and also re-evaluating how I can balance emotional bandwidth in a very intense job that requires me to be “on” a lot as well. So I’m still working on that.
But on that note, I want to share something so beautiful as I wrapped up my last day of classes (3 semesters down, 7 left to go in the PhD, just under 1/3 the way there)! I’ve learned so much from my students this semester and also the process of teaching is much more about conveying important concepts. It’s also about making space for students to learn and demonstrate their growth with you. So I was quite lucky I think as out of a group of 50 students, pretty much all of them with the exception of one or two came to recitations regularly and were relatively engaged. I did a reflection activity at the end today, where I asked them 1) What’s something that challenged the way you think? 2) What’s something new you learned about politics? and 3) What’s something you learned about yourself? These were all questions in relation to the Intro to American Politics course (and yes, during a whirlwind of an election year no less). The reflections were very wholesome and they taught me something too. One student shared that “the country is not perfect, but I love it and that’s why it’s important to continue criticizing and fighting for it.” Wow. I was floored. By this and many other reflections. I think often times in my field of study of human behaviour and its relations to politics, I can feel inspired and empowered but I can also feel depleted and sad. And that was exactly why I wanted to study the social sciences because I care so deeply about people and communities. I want to know and to better understand. Teaching was exhausting physically for me this semester as teaching duties pretty much meant from 12-8pm I was “on” on Thursdays. My Tues and Wednesdays usually were 12-15 hr days so by the time I got back home after teaching, I was wiped out. But watching the “eureka” moments for my students motivated me throughout the week just as much as I was having my own “eureka” moments in my PhDs. They shared insights with me about things they were thinking about that helped me see things in different ways and they certainly helped me realize what it means to be someone who balances expertise and authority while also being a human that is still trying to figure things out. So it’s bittersweet that I had to say ‘best of luck’ and ‘see you later’ but I know I still have some teaching semesters to go! It was truly rewarding though. Thank you.
And well, on another note… I think the most important thing is that after some interesting rendezvous later this summer into early autumn with some really fun and funny people, I think the process of radical acceptance was accelerated for me. Whereby, having difficult but honest conversations meant that I needed to be incredibly vulnerable. Vulnerable like never before. This meant diving really into the deep end sometimes by bringing up the topic that both parties are dancing around but not wanting to address. This means being so raw and honest about where you’re coming from and where you’re at. And well, if you know me I’m quite bold in pretty much many areas of my life. But when It comes to dating it can be hard to you know, really bare yourself with your quirks and insecurities. However, I knew against all odds ( I study behaviour) so I do know the particular things I could do to enhance attractiveness (mhmm artificial scarcity is a real powerful thing) but, I knew It wouldn’t be me.
The deeper level insecurity that I had been working through for a while now, I was finally able to address this fall. I had to voice it. I thought I was inherently unloveable because of my inabilities to show my true pains and sufferings sometimes. Who could accept or love me, if I couldn’t even accept or love myself? And so that was it. The crux of it. The ultimate fear. But isn’t it strange that in September when there were some low times, I still felt that. And in December, I really know it and feel it, that t is such a damn lie? It’s funny what can happen in the span of a few months.
I can’t say exactly or pinpoint when it all changed. But looking back, this fall was the culmination of all that growth I had been learning and unlearning and relearning through therapy the past four years. How to talk to myself kindly and completely rewire the way I think about people pleasing and conflict avoidance as defense mechanisms. So when I say radical. The transformation has been radical. I bring things up in ways to be clear and to be kind. I no longer pretend things are okay, when they’re not. And certainly, I fear less of what others may think about me because I know that the ways in which I show up in the world are aligned with my values and hence, if another chooses to disregard or disrespect that, rather than needing to feel upset or disappointed, I can understand who this person is and understand how to navigate future interactions. As the saying goes, when people show you who they really are, believe them! There’s so much more I can say about this but It’s sort of crazy that I still journal about It almost every few days or so, about how much change It has been. Wow.
I do tend to write gratitude reflections or I call people, I text them, or I send voice memos on how much they mean to me. I try to do that no just during the holidays but if It’s on my mind, I’ll do It (most often times than not). This Thanksgiving I didn’t though. This Thanksgiving was a beautiful time where I felt presence and being present like the times I felt in Paris. Where there was nothing before me and nothing behind me. I could just realize the now. And rather than do, just be. Spending time with Isa and Manny, my lovely friends from Shapers and just talking long walks along the National Mall without glances at our phones, our conversations spilled over and time was just time. There were no to do lists, or something waiting in the back of mind. All the anxieties and worries of the world had luckily faded for me, two weeks after the election. I hadn’t known what It was like to be a teaching assistant of introduction to American politics during a time of a presidential election that posed very different futures of democracy to the world. The conversations that ensued were illuminating but also emotionally difficult. Yet, in the time that I got to spend with Isa and Manny in DC, I felt like we were golden like daylight. Everything was so illuminated and soft. I felt so looked after and seen. It’s hard to find people where you can be your authentic and goofy and intellectually nerdy self with. And feel like even if things don’t seem okay, they will be okay—together. Thank you for caring for me both with your beautiful, tender hearts xx
I initiate in relationships or reach out because I fear that they’ll forget me. While that fear has been heavily diminished over time, I’m not going to lie to say that the fear just disappeared because of all the work I had been doing to process and growth. But because of all the growth and acceptance of the past year(s), I did now know and feel that there was such safety and security in my relationships that I no longer felt the need to keep doing so. Believing more so in the ways that I had shown up in the past as being enough. That as much as it takes hard work and intentionality in relationships, they’re also meant to be easy because there’s reciprocation. And so, I used to really put a lot of pressure on myself to try and to do this, to do x, y, z because I learned love as responsibility from my parents. Love is the daily, mundane decisions and choices. And so I did. But now, I’ve been set free. Because truly, the friendships that do stay are balanced out by the gravity of the trust and groundedness of both individuals. I’ve learn to let go of my need to try so hard and to just be. Just let It be. And that does mean sometimes the friendship may not be at the level I want it to be, but that’s okay. I have limited time and resources just as everyone else. So it’s all okay because we can all understand this. It took time. But we are here.
I’m falling, I’m falling into the process of loving the unknown when it comes to research, dating, and how I can continue to surprise myself with the acceptance and compassion I can have for others and myself.
And as I end this all over the place reflection, I want to leave you with a few prompts as some gifts for thinking ;) I’ve started some of them to share but I hope they can generate some reflection for you as well.
In what ways have you yet to accept the fact that you are who you are and not the person you think you ought to be?
I think even a couple of months ago, maybe just two months ago I would have said there is still a bits of ways to go. But a few days ago, as I sat on the train to DC, I realized that after a sermon and different experiences with dating this fall, I was able to see myself as I am and accept truly all the good and bad. When I look into the mirror, I see someone who is truly so beautiful and strong but also broken. I used to disqualify myself from good things because I thought of myself as undeserving. And yet in working on my projects about empathy, It’s really about not needing to fully understand “why” but appreciating “what is.” I have been working on a story told through my mother’s and I’s perspectives. And that has been healing me in many ways I didn’t even know was possible.
In what areas of life are you still holding back until you feel like you know what you’re doing?
I think I would have said dating as I was playing it safe but now that I feel like I’ve come to radical acceptance of who I am and what I can or can’t offer so there is immense relief and peace.
And a fun one, if you were visited by the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future, what would they show you?
