Clouds in my Coffee
I had one of the best trips of my life during the first two weeks of February. It was a spontaneous trip after a burnout of working overtime during the holiday season. I got to catch up with friends in Paris, London, Bath + a road trip to Cornwall, UK :) With the move out of NYC and short-term move back to my parent’s home in Vancouver amidst attending PhD Visit days in March through April, I’m finally getting to posting these reflections I wrote on the plane back to NYC from Europe! 3 months late! This one is going to be really short and sweet (at least according to my standards LOL). I’ve shared a few of my favourite film photos I got to take!
I’m so so happy I got to see some really important people in my life. Catching Betty in Paris and being introduced to Nehal and then getting to reunite with Agnes and Tsag was such a highlight. The fact that they took trains from Germany and Belgium respectively to see me, truly meant the world. I also love that I was able to experience a different aspect of Paris the city at night. And to eat a lot—at least 2-3 hours for lunch and dinner with much wine. Enchanté et santé are indeed m’y two favourite French words.
And in French a reflection:
en habitant à paris quand j’étais jeune, c'était une reverie.
j'ai pensé que je t’aimerai encore—même si j’habiterais à nyc et j’aimerai toujours nyc, c’est vrai.
souvent avec plaisir, mon esprit est retourné à Paris le semaine dernière (après quatre ans!!!), tout de moi aussi.
*pour les petites vacances seulement, pas pour toujours (haha i wish)
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Grasp all, lose all. I used to get so caught up that time was running out. How could I ever read all the books I ever wanted to, visit as many mountain tops, or love the people I love within such limited time. But then I realized that there’s never going to be enough time no matter how much time there is. There’s never going to be enough times I’d like to run the 6 mile kennedy reservoir loop. There’s never going to be a time when I get sick of smiling like crazy in the morning on my way to the small crowded kitchen to make breakfast. Or there’s never going to be a time when I exhaust the amount of words of affirmation I can give to the people I care so deeply about.
When I lived in Paris, I didn’t feel time running out. Because It wasn’t about getting this and that “done”, It was about just living and “being.”
So I came back to Paris with no plan but to just “be.” I indeed didn’t get to hit all the spots I wanted to revisit but realistically how could I cram 6 months in less than 5 days? Impossible so rather than trying to, I just took one day at a time and sought to maximize the presence of me in a certain moment. To maximize the intensity of experience means to not project into the future and not to dwell in the past but to be solely fixated in the infinite cascading seconds of the existing present.
Just stick your tongue out to savour the sweetness of this world.
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I got to reunite with Christina and her swift-y friends at Sketch in London, the high tea place I had been dreaming of for a while ever since Tsag mentioned it to me. I love how Christina loves to celebrate me by telling the waiters that it’s my graduation, a new job, an old job ending, or my birthday?! Imagine my surprise when the live violinists started to play happy birthday and the waiters came with a large plate of chocolate macaron to wish me a happy birthday. What a lovely surprise haha! I enjoy these moments of playfulness and surprise. How I can have someone in my life who looks after me and tries to spark joy in it. Thank you Christina.
I got to reunite with my cohort mates Ed and Lottie over some Szechuan food which Betty got to join too! I again appreciated my British friends for taking the long train rides to make time for me.
Seeing Camille too after four years from our initial encounter at the LSE emerging markets conference was also beautiful. How I got to continue our friendship and revisit It again and again.
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My trip with George was everything I ever dreamed of. For so long I had been envisioning the cliffs of Cornwall. I’m not sure what It was about those cliffs but many years ago I had the landscapes clearly defined in my mind and so when the pandemic happened, my mind would go to these big cliffs swept with green grass and glistening golden in the sunlight. It was a place of solace, quiet, and safety.
Visiting many points of interest along the entire coast was spectacular. I couldn’t have chosen a better exploring partner. We had so much fun and we had so many moments of being shocked to the infinite possibilities of beauty’s existence.
I also have never felt so safe and supported and seen by someone before. George has been one of the kindest, caring, and most patient friends I could ever have (in line with how Christina makes me feel). It was the small things. Like how I had some cramps and he stopped the car to help me fix my seat even though I said It was really fine many times. Or how he noticed my like for hot water and brought me that during our lunch at the Heligan Gardens. We talked about this and that. In depth book discussions which used to be our dominant conversation points in paris. We talked about our family, our plans for the future, our past. We talked about our joys and our pains. We bared the darkest parts of ourselves and trusted one another to listen with tenderness. Such reciprocity of respect and trust is something I’ll always continue to look for in friend’s and a future partner. George taught me how It is possible to let someone in. Actually, he taught me how to do It by being a safe space to truly be myself and sharing the most vulnerable parts of me. His acceptance and kindness are things I’ll never forget and the trip itself is a memory of a lifetime I’ll always cherish. I enjoyed the sights as much as I enjoyed the long car ride conversations to the most breathtaking scenery I’ve ever witnessed.
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As I’m on hour 4.5 of my trip back to NYC, I know without a doubt that the past two weeks have transformed me and especially as I wrap up my time in nyc in the next two weeks, I know how different of a person I was when my dad helped me move into my first nyc apartment.
Reflecting on this trip in particular, I see clearly now.
I see that I am worthy and deserving of love no matter how broken or terrible I used to think I was.
I see that I am resilient and so beautiful for how much I try and how much I try to make the most out of human experience.
I see that I can be open to love and to trying again to bare my heart. To be willing to try.
I see how incredibly lucky I am to have friends who care so much about me and love me. Who show up in a myriad of ways of how they hold my delicate heart and accept my, at times crazy, mind.
I feel so enveloped in love after this trip. How abundantly It flows around me. And how as Christina and George reminded me of that I am also the common denominator in my friendships that it isn’t just the people I’m so lucky to encounter and to cultivate relationships with, but that my heart tries to be open, to be kind, to seek, and to love as earnestly as I can. Thank you for teaching me that. Thank you my lovely friends for reaching out with your tender hearts and loving me as I am xx
