Moments Like This
The wind and rain are blowing into my face but I feel like I’m being embraced into a warmth—a cozy feeling. That sentence pretty much encapsulates my month. April has been go, go, go much like my morning runs near the river, where the wind pushes me hard on my way back. But I love the mist on the zephyrs and I love the rain when it trickles down right before a downpour. Because in those moments, there’s a transcending peace that comes in the aftermath of release: a letting go and breathing in. The sigh that escapes after halting from a long run or sinking down into the comforting covers of my bed after a tough day. This month has been a culmination of effort and discipline since February. Early mornings, packed schedules, and hitting deadline after deadline from the confines of Lehman’s basement library. Parallel to the erratic weather patterns yet with their consistency of strong winds, I am reminded constantly of balance in the natural world. There are brilliantly dazzling days of sun and perfect clear skies. There are gloomy and freezing cold days of strong winds or pouring skies. But they are beautiful to me. In the days of wind and rain, I find quiet and solitude in my runs. Occasionally crossing paths with another runner and always, being reminded of Vancouver. In the days of sun, I find melodies of laughter and company on my runs. Recognizing that it is better to run with others than to run by myself.
A lot was packed into this past month and there are times when I felt I needed to slow down and recalibrate. Looking back now, I reflect on a process of refining focus and presence. By being more focused and present this past month, I have felt both more energized and exhausted at times. Let me be a bit more concrete on what I mean. From social to academic to work things, by being fully focused and present I was able to experience things much more vibrantly yet the sheer amount of things going on also meant, that being in this state of utter awareness can be overstimulating. During the early parts of this month, I took a step back and let myself follow my distractions in a way to destress. That week of just letting things be and letting me be was highly reminiscent of my days in France. Without a focus on efficiency and productivity, it can feel like an indulgence of time but luckily, having the experience I did in France helped cultivate a recognition that such a recalibration is always necessary. Usually, I’ve done these monthly blogs with a purpose or at least some sort of points I want to hit but this month I don’t have anything pre-planned or at the least a little bit thought out. I am free-writing as free as it can get. Perhaps, what I’ll do is focus on three themes that have spurred growth for me.
The transitory nature of being in a city like NYC can be isolating and downright lonesome. However, for some strange reason, I’ve been finding it liberating. Because so many things change all the time and people come and go, there’s no better moment than now to soak it all in. I said goodbye to my running buddy this month and as a sentimental person that has difficulty parting with running shoes, it was pretty melancholy. Barry helped me become a better runner in the past two and a half months of running with him. I shaved off 10 minutes off my typical one-hour runs in Central Park. Insane. I digress… in many moments of this pandemic, saying goodbyes haven’t been easy but I acknowledge my own growth because now instead of feeling an overwhelming sadness tinged with a bit of happiness, I hold these moments and relationships with a form of preservation. Something that fills me up with recognition for all that was and all that is to come. In these chapters, as they come to a close, there are new beginnings. I’m coming to terms with that as I say hello and goodbye to new and old friends as my or their chapters in NYC come to an end (at least for now).
After building up my nerve to apply for a competitive pre-doctoral fellowship back during the tail end of last year, I submitted my app early in the new year. A few weeks ago, I got the rejection from the dream research job. 5 times to be exact. A funny story as their CRM sort of software must have had a glitch. I had a bit of a moment as I had woken up that morning dealing with a bit of chronic pain, which I hadn’t experienced for a while. I had thought momentarily when I got new email notifications that there might have been a mistake but alas, the third email of rejection was enough and I then put away my phone. I was sad. I haven’t stopped hustling since early high school. This semester was a lot. From working two part time RA jobs to getting terrible family news and to losing a friend tragically. I had been compartmentalizing and working hard as to sort of keep on keeping on. I had also built up this idea of a life in New York for at least the next little bit after graduation because the city has challenged me but it has grown on me. It has helped me reveal myself to the world and it has helped me understand myself better. So while I said I didn’t fully dream, which was true, I still hurt from the different forms of loss that came crumbling down that day. In some ways being rejected from the job I really wanted was helpful as it provided closure. I could finally start planning my life a bit more again. The past months of applying and not hearing back from various jobs is stressful but it’s pushed me past my comfort zone of learning how to live with uncertainty. A typical Type A, I’m learning what it’s like to not always have things planned out or figured out even. And that’s okay. In fact, life showers you with more surprises and love, surprisingly. Kind friends and strangers stepping up. The compassion of people waiting with open arms to engulf and subsume all pain. Perhaps, more importantly, I cried and I didn’t criticize myself for it. I would have been someone who would overanalyze everything I did wrong and criticize myself for feeling the things I did, but after a couple of minutes of listening to some sad songs and moping, I accepted things and began to wipe my tears and get on with my day. I took some time to reflect on my friend and the loss of her life again. And thought about how I could channel love and kindness continuously in sustainable ways around me as a reminder of her legacy and the impact she has made on those around her. But to hold myself in such compassion is momentous. I never thought I would see this day.
Being surrounded by so much love. I don’t know what to say. From relationships I’ve begun to foster and grow in this city, I am touched. The amount of kindness I’ve witnessed and been shown this past month has been incredibly important to me. I used to ask what did I do to deserve this but now I don’t ask but I accept and I acknowledge with immense gratitude for the people in my life. thank you for seeing me as I am and accepting me as I am. Most importantly, for loving and caring for me as I am. This clarity and focus in relationships I believe is coming to life in part, of a greater and deeper relationship I am fostering with myself. My last blogs touched on this theme of self-love and acceptance but April has been a month where I am seeing it in practice and having it literally opening my eyes to things I’ve never seen (or in better terms, opening up my heart to receive, accept, and give love in ways I had not fully comprehended before). Obviously, this is a lifelong journey and I’m still growing and working on this… but I am happy to be on this journey and looking back at the progress in hindsight.
On that note, let’s switch gears into my fun recaps :D
*the four beautiful group photos + my photo with Pri at Thandi’s birthday are taken by the lovely Malaika A. Muindi! You can check out her work here.
Recaps from this past month and a half:
*note: these are getting more outrageously long and more authentically me with every passing month…I do think the adrenaline of finishing my last day of classes today (May 2nd) when writing this recap is sort of elevating my enthusiasm and weirdness. So enjoy.
Shaper’s March book club, where we read Range by David Epstein. Thank you Shaaz for being a wonderful host and choosing such an awesome book. Also, for providing us with the best chicken kebabs I have ever tasted. Truly.
Having a lovely Shaper’s picnic in the Great Lawn where I got to meet Akash and his friends as well as Manny’s room-mate (who is a poli-sci major like me). Yes, we all bonded over books. #nerdythingsilove
Watching a jazz trio with Sarah and Elana at Columbia’s Miller theatre!
Carnegie Hall with Barry and Luca. Also, I saw fellow friends Alice and Virginia (my friends from my high school all the way back home)! Screaming because what are the chances. It was an incredible moment).
Attending Arun and Lottie’s birthday-themed party for our cohort was an awesome way to get to know my cohort members better. The ENFJ of me definitely appreciated having some light-hearted and deeper conversations with my classmates. Alas, as a granny inhabiting a young person’s body, I often wonder how young people have such energy and endurance to stay awake during the late hours of the evening. Inspiring. 12 is way too late for me. My body be like: this is a pertinent reminder that your eyes will shut down soon …warning… you are past the prime time for your body to regenerate and recuperate from all the day’s stress.
Visiting the Kadinsky exhibit at the Guggenheim with the lovely Clara. Still crazy to believe how I said goodbye to my Parisian exploring buddy 3 years ago and now, we’re reunited here in NYC still doing the same things. Unbelieveable! The colours employed by Kadinsky in his art are jaw-dropping. I never thought certain combos of colours could look so good but he makes them work and pop!
Seeing the cherry blossoms on full bloom during my scenic running and walking routes of Central Park and Hudson River Park. Spring has finally arrived. And every spring, I think of this quote by one of my favourite authors. I just can’t help myself but there is just something so metaphorically powerful about life springing up again.
"You expected to be sad in the fall. Part of you died each year when the leaves fell from the trees and their branches were bare against the wind and the cold, wintery light. But you knew there would always be the spring, as you knew the river would flow." - A Moveable Feast - Ernest Hemingway
On a random Tuesday (the designated Cecilia’s day), I biked from Columbia down to Battery Park, cause why not? I walked around and journaled for a bit and watched the Staten Island Ferry make its journey past the Statue of Liberty. I took the Staten Island Ferry in August of 2017, which is again an alluding to my first trip to NYC. I’m never going to stop bringing that up, sorry. Every time I see that orange ferry boat, I just smile like crazy. I met such a kind nurse in 2017, who shared about her life and her wonders of NYC with me. And of course, how could I not smile because Benjamin Barry and Andie Anderson of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days share the perfect moment on that ferry. Seriously, what a romantic but cost-effective date (because it’s freee and all the best things in life are freee). Le sigh. I’m sorry again, I’m getting a bit dramatic.
Visiting the lovely baby Bria (who’s not really a baby anymore). As her honourary aunt, who doesn’t do much as Ana does all the work, I got to do a photoshoot and walk with her. Bria is the most adorable cockapoo. One of her eyes is blue and the other is brown and she’s like a mix of grey, black, and white fluff. My whole heart. Such a loveable puppy. The moment I got there she couldn’t stop showering me with her love. Her love sustained me through this arduous time of final papers. I look into her eyes and everything fades away. All of the stress and the worries of this world—nada. And that is why my friends, dogs > cats. ;) OK some cats are pretty awesome too but to be fair, I grew up knowing one that was so scary and attacked my bestie. That is why the child in me is still on edge around cats.
Watching Knicks vs. the Raptors with Megan (who’s from Toronto)! Getting into the Canadian and Torontonian spirit (@ me as I’m unsure of what you Toronto-ers or 6-ers call yourselves). Anywhooo, Madison Square Garden is so extra for home games and I’m absolutely living for it. We visited on a lucky fan appreciation night so this might be why but the lights, the music, and the production of it all were 10/10. If it wasn’t for the price of tickets, I’d probably go back and back. Also because, where have all the tall guys been all my life? On the court, it seems. (If you know me, you’ll know that I was chanting “where have you been all my li-ah-ah-fuh” from Rihanna because I just can’t stop and I won’t stop or more accurately my brain can’t stop chanting the lyrics of songs whenever it matches perfectly to a phrase I’m saying or someone else is saying). While some people might think this is annoying, I only sing it in my head so don’t worry. There’s normal life and then there’s the fun joy of Cecilia’s mind, where some moments are like a musical unfolding right in front of you. Indeed, moments like that though are priceless because whenever I tell the person I’m with about the song I’m thinking, they start laughing. I’m not a funny person my friends, but you see, I can be. I can share joy.
Celebrating Yixi’s birthday with Megan and Kaihui over delicious northern Chinese food at Atlas Kitchen and devouring Lady M cake. I’m so grateful I have gotten to meet Yixi since starting at Columbia.
Running to the George Washington Bridge with my running buddy Barry! This 8-mile loop-ish was sprinkled with cherry blossoms against a backdrop of brilliant blue. I’m looking at you the Hudson. Why you gotta be so beautiful? You light up my life like no(thing) else.
Seeing a rainbow on a very tiring Tuesday. I was feeling sort of down after job rejections and feeling really cold because NYC was being cold literally. And that rainbow was a miracle. The last time I saw one was actually at the start of the pandemic in April 2020. As the sun was refracting across the ominous dark grey clouds, there was immense calm and quiet and utter peace that everything is alright and everything will be alright.
Having a day in the sun Easter picnic at Rockefeller Park in Battery Park city! I biked down again because the scenes are life-giving. I love spending time with 180 and so awesome how different friends could come (Grace, Lenny, Edward and Alice)!
Having our Columbia graduate Christian fellowship picnic at Sheep’s Meadow. Also very fun to meet new people and see old friends!
Biking to Battery Park with Barry and finally getting to eat brunch at Balthazar (thanks Gabriel for your classy tastes and indirect rec.s). It was pretty nice to introduce Barry to millefeuille at Laduree for the first time too.
Serendipitously meeting Roxanne on campus (my fellow friend I met on exchange in Paris, while living in le maison d’etudiants canadiens)! Okay, so it wasn’t that serendipitous as we planned it but, her quick trip from Montreal was like so quick. I’m glad we got to see each other after three years. Also wow, look at me go with my French that is slowly fading. Not bad. Pas mal. C’est bon. In all seriousness, seeing Roxie was so uplifting. In front of the Low steps, we got our iconic photo and she pulls off that Columbia merch fabulously. Every time I’m running and the song ROXANNE comes on, literally I can’t stop laughing. She laughs too haha—
Eating some incredible pho at Banh 106/Amsterdam with Barry and then watching Madama Butterfly at the Met Opera. I grew up studying Puccini’s opera for my Royal Conservatory of Music examinations so imagine how fulfilled my heart was when I got to hear and see everything. The thought that went into the production. I still get chills thinking about the final moments building up to the ending. I won’t spoil it for you but the strength and sacrifice of Butterfly is metaphorically poignant in her final moments.
Celebrating Thandi’s birthday. A highlight of April honestly. Thandi and I met at a Global Shapers Summit. Emphasis on global as it was the first online summit spanning the globe (Sept 2020). When we were in the same zoom room, we instantly connected. All I remember was that she said she was in NYC and I was like woah. That was before I even applied to Columbia and so when I joined the Shaper’s book club and met her in person for the first time, we were like “WE KNOW EACH OTHER!” Like how uncanny is that? And now Thandi’s kindness and positivity and her friendship are so empowering and meaningful to me. An honour to celebrate such a big milestone day with her. The joy and the company of the people (not going to lie, and the food) made my month. Check out Cathedrale!!! Also, I was reunited with hendrick’s gin and tonic twice that night. Having G&T is a bit of a luxury as it’s a lot of ingredients compared to wine LOL. But dang, those partners at my first professional job party really did not lie that they would elevate my taste and preference for gin. Remember, cucumber is a better option than I would say lime in this context. You got to try it!
Walking across Brooklyn Bridge after a lovely Ribalta dinner with Luca and Barry. We took in the sunset at Pebble’s Beach. My first sunset at Pebbles and it’s been something I’ve wanted to do since getting here. Yay, bucket list item check!
On another Tuesday, my friend Grace made my day by offering me a passionfruit cronut. NYC decided to be all cold and very windy. Joy bundled in my hand, I quickly devoured such goodness in a couple of minutes on my walk back from the library. Crumbs over my face and messy hair from the wind. Passerbys I could tell, were jealous. I would be too. Dominique Ansel never fails to disappoint. Delivers every single time. Seriously.
Saying goodbye to my running buddy :( all good things must come to an end. Showing Barry Bow Bridge! Alliteration is honestly pretty great.
Reunion with my Top 20 friend Maxwell! It’s crazy how he was the second 20 under 20 member of our cohort I met in Toronto back in 2015 for the filming of our videos. We’ve periodically kept in touch throughout the past seven years but last time I saw him was in Vancouver (2016) and now, we’re reuniting in NYC (2022)! I got to show him around Hudson River Park and just catch up. A memorable Wednesday afternoon for sure. Though cumulatively walking with Barry and then Maxwell that day meant I legit walked 15 miles and now have a bruise on my toe from all that walking. #veryworthit
Coding, coding, coding. But it went well and smoother than I thought.
Attending Alan's New Aesthete's ball haha at his apartment :-) met some kind and funny people as well as bumped into old friends. Those who didn't submit poems and got in, tsk tsk. They were sort of confused as to what the club is. Trust me, hands down the best club. A club of people pursuing aestheticism in nature and art via hiking, exploring, and visiting museums/ arts and cultural events in NYC. The best of both worlds colliding, I would say so!
Shaper's April book club, where we read the Whiteness of Wealth by Dorothy A. Brown. Thank you to Lina for hosting and being like the top host because of her music = Adele + Taylor Swift. I also must have embarrassed myself because the snack foods were also all my faves so I literally did not stop eating popcorn and strawberries the whole time. I felt like a queen as she handed me some sparkling water with the sun setting on my face through the open window and the outdoor sounds of downtown Brooklyn drafting through the air. A purely blissful moment.
Celebrating Ramazan's birthday. I was so lucky to be Thandis +1 (such an honour, still speechless). A night filled with beautiful and kind people. I had the wonderful opportunity of crossing paths with Ramazan at my first Shaper social here in NYC and we bonded over our mutual love for arts! Though obviously, he's such a talented artist and a professional too! Also at his party, I was just like is everyone just a model? Because damn. But like not to get even more cheesy, you are a model too. Yes, you. Because I believe the essence of beauty lives within us all. Okay, so back to that night… just being in that Williamsburg loft filled with people who are just so down to earth and kind was the most soothing and uplifting environment I could be in. Basically an ENFJ paradise.
Okay, also a magician by the name of Mark Clearview performed for us at Ramazan’s party. He was magical! Still shook at how he was able to figure out an audience member’s pick of a person, place or thing. Harry Styles no less. I would have picked the legend Iris Marion Young but that’s pretty niche and would have probably messed him up. But also no biggie, he was able to figure out four cards, four audience members picked. Let’s just say I’m still baffled?
And on that lighthearted note, I’ll also say that night (the last day of April blending into May no less) I had my hopeless romantic heart’s desire fulfilled. With the wind in my hair and in the passenger seat accompanied by good conversation, I got to take in the whole Manhattan skyline. This is real. This is it. Living in the present.
*P.S. For some reason, people always think I’m referring to intimate love when I say romantic. But no, I mean the awe wondering sort of feeling you get when you feel so, you. Just in reverence for your own capacity to experience life; you feel every piece of yourself present in a single moment. Being consumed and covered by it all at the same time. That all five senses culminate in perfect harmony so that you are able to experience THIS moment. This moment that doesn’t last forever and is just a flash of spectacular light in the overall movie of life. So take a deep breath, open your eyes and maybe, if you’re lucky, you’ll remember it all too well.
Things I want to do:
watch the New York Yankees! I remember watching them vs. Toronto Blue Jays in Toronto back in 2017, so hoping to see them compete in home territory against the Jays here in NY!
many more picnics :-)
visit Coney island
visit Rockaway Beach?
do the Lenape Trail in NJ
hike the catskills
