Chasing the Sun
Where to even begin? The past *almost* two months since I’ve posted have been a true whirlwind! Ya girl is blogging overtime as she packs. Three blogs in rapid succession are coming at you. But for now, a quick? update before I dive into the real purpose of the blog: a grad reflection.
p.s. If you know me by now, whenever I say “quick update” in texts, voice memos, or emails… it never ends up being quick. Sorry!
So let’s see, I graduated with my Masters of Arts in mid-May. I got to show my mother and my cousin NYC for their first time and it truly was incredibly special. It was really focused on showing them Cecilia’s New York. Not necessarily the touristy things; to have especially spent a quality six days with my mom just walking around neighbourhoods and spaces that personally mean so much to me was a huge highlight beyond hosting her in my apartment for my Columbia Convocation and Commencement Ceremonies (woah, do the best things in life start with “C”?) Kidding!
Then at the end of May, I was in LA for two weeks hiking with my bestie Katy, whom I refer to as Miss Katy. Long story short, best trip I’ve ever done hands down. The trip back to NYC ended up being close to 40 hours, which I must say—this story and all the incredible stories in that LA trip are coming up in the next blog. Short and sweet: this postponed grad trip with Katy, happened. So glad it did.
Not much later, childhood bestie Eric touch downed in New York and I got to host him in mid-June for a week and for his 24th birthday no less. That was pretty awesome. From Westlight to le Crocodile to Eric’s office snacks from Intuit, oooh lala truly perfection for the tastebuds. During this special weekend, I also got to witness two lovely friends say “I do” and yes, you know it: that blog is also coming.
And now, we’re here. Cecilia spending the last week of June packing up her items as her lease finishes and she moves into a new apartment. Not going to lie, pretty cool. It’s happening. It really is happening. Somewhat halfway through the journey of navigating the Manhattan rental landscape and that is a checklist item in and of itself. Deep breath in, and out.
Well let’s get down to business shall we. I’ll need to seek your forgiveness (ie. from my future self for breaking the monthly blogging trajectory and from my readers who many I assume are my friends that care enough to read my random musings) for the crickets chirping. First, I’ve been postponing blogging because: life. Doing interviews, scheduling things, figuring out work visa for the new job/ health insurance/ housing, was a lot amidst the very heightened social-ness of life. And second, I’ve been procrastinating. Catching up on a lot of things it seems. From “The Summer I Turned Pretty” to all the guilty pleasures of watching already aired singing and talent competitions. That then morphed into watching cheesy rom-coms: “Under the Tuscan Sun” read: I now want to go to Tuscany and hunker down in an Italian villa…with the very dreamy male lead (oops a bit of a tangent)…that then morphed into fanning over Katie Ledecky breaking world records and then re-watching all the American swimming legends on youtube clips because #childhoodnostalgia. Okay, the main point is that I’ve been distracted or more so distracting myself after the SCOTUS rulings and the craziness and disappointment of reading the news this past week. I keep saying to myself it’s okay. I’ve had a busy past year and this is a time to relax. Yet I can’t help but hear that small voice that reminds me: “yes, while it is summer Cecilia and the heat can make you more prone to exhaustion as your body needs more energy from your glucose stores…” that is no excuseeeee to not be writing! Get up! Get up! Let’s get down to business already! So after the third day in a row of slowly packing and mostly lurking around the computer trying to allow some sort of strange osmosis of Ledecky’s motivation and energy to absorb, I am back. Not fully back. But trying. This is me being honest and well, this past week I’ve been in a bit of a rut, which of course is okay. I’m just getting myself back on the saddle. I’ve been thinking and reflecting a lot. A LOT. The past month = craziness without any solid routines due to all that is happening and that in and of itself has taught me many things.
I keep getting asked: so how does it feel, now that you’re done? Well, let’s do this! Here’s me putting in some time and effort to process it all.
Cecilia’s Graduation Reflections
Three things stood out to me this year. They’re things I’ve fostered a deeper appreciation for. Nothing mind-blowing but what I hope will be a good reminder.
1. Caring for yourself takes immense discipline.
This comes in a myriad of ways from physical, mental, emotional, to spiritual health. Whether it’s distancing from relationships that are no longer healthy or scheduling time into the calendar to take a mental break and nurture a hobby. For me, caring for myself during grad school looked like:
Speaking kindly to myself. Giving the hype that I give to friends and finding opportunities throughout the day to remember kindness and gratitude amidst different uncertainties or challenges I might be facing. Not necessarily about being positive or always seeking to “see the glass half full” but more so about recognizing the pain or difficulty I’m going through, acknowledging what is within my control and not, and then shifting towards acceptance as well as a focusing on the temporary state of both good and bad.
Exercising daily is life changing, is life giving. I love being outdoors and running and hiking but growing up, I used to think of cardio or different workouts more so as a checklist item that needed to be ticked off on the quest for being healthy. I saw it as a means to an end. And at times, I also saw it as a way to discipline myself ie. through pain (especially during my adolescence years when I was being bullied for my weight and how I looked). It’s transformative how much my perspective of exercise has changed since completing grad school. I’ve told many friends on phone calls when catching up and my family how truly, I could not have gotten through this year without them and exercise. No matter how busy my studying or work schedule got, one thing I could not let up on was: sweating at least once during the day. Of course, I wasn’t perfect. There were some days when I couldn’t get a workout, run, bike, or swim in but I tried to do some light stretches. Even then, the difference was very noticeable. When I do at least an hour of exercise a day whether through HIIT workouts on my Nike Training Club app (which is free and so good btw), walking in Riverside Park, running along the Kennedy reservoir, swimming in Columbia’s pool, or biking down to Battery Park, I am much more focused on whatever it is I’m doing. I don’t procrastinate. I feel energized and happy (thank you endorphins). If you’ve been reading my monthly recaps you know how much I love the runs and walks in these parks especially during moments of immense difficulty in grad school. Having the opportunity to clear my head or feel control over something such as my exercise routine was liberating. And the biggest thing is that as I exercise more and keep my body moving, I feel more energized instead of lethargic. Yes that means now I find cleaning and doing chores not only necessary but also sort of fun? So please, if you can, I highly recommend sweating today :-)
Stretching and meditating definitely not overrated. Wow. Where can I begin. Sometimes heading out for a run or coming back from a run, I think of skipping a stretch but every single time I do my stretches my body thanks me for it. Especially, the body that goes out on another run or swim in a couple of days. The body that sits in the library chair for some hours cranking out a paper or conducting research. Stretch! As for meditation, it’s a journey. Sometimes, consistency sees growth and sometimes it doesn’t. In the fall and winter, I really began to see the growth that comes from being consistent with my morning mediation (10 mins with Headspace). I saw it slowing down my heartrate when I was racing to get to my Bayesian statistics class ( a class that was very stressful). I also saw it bringing my breath back to normal when reading terrible and tragic news. Now, I’ve been on a 90 day streak on Headspace and some days it’s a hit or a miss. I recognize the distractions though!
All this isn’t easy. I realized as I began to make the harder choice more, it sometimes became easier. In the fall, watching Youtube videos was easier than doing a workout. But as I challenged myself to stick to a routine of prioritizing me and my body, it helped me so much more than I ever thought. And in the spring, it was a no-brainer decision. A walk > Youtube. I’ve never felt better in my life. I’ve never felt so light and calm and happy. I do feel proud that I’ve graduated from Columbia with good grades and awesome diploma but more so, I am so proud that through my time there I didn’t just learn what was the most important thing in life but also how to commit to it intentionally and with perseverance. My best friend Chelsea helped me with this one because she was the one on the phone who told me, “Cecilia, you know that takes a lot of self-discipline?” And I had to pause and think about that. Yes, it does take a lot of work. And I’m still on this journey of getting better but I do feel so happy that I have finally prioritized health in a way that I find is healthy and balanced (including elements beyond just physical health). If you would like an accountability buddy, I’m your gal! I hope you can also find ways to cherish and honour your body.
2. Simplicity is beautiful and powerful.
This is something I came into grad school wanting to be better at! More specifically, through my writing. To channel simplicity. To be clear and succinct. As we can tell, this priority and goal of mine wasn’t achieved! Very much a work in progress. I did nonetheless, learn more about why this matters. I did come to see that experts or those truly confident in themselves and what they are talking about didn’t necessarily always have the answers but they did channel simplicity. A clear mindedness riddled with control and restraint. What do I mean by this? Well, on one hand when it comes to thinking and talking especially on topics of passion or controversy, it takes a lot for someone to listen, to reflect, and then to speak with authority and with empathy. Complexity can be conveyed in simplicity and perhaps is ever more powerful when done so. I also came to learn this with other things too (life, relationships, style?).
Beyond just thinking and writing, I hope to channel an essence of simplicity. In the way, I pursue and desire things. This year taught me how much I value the simple things or joys of life. The smell of dew on the grass when going for an early morning run, the wonderful burst of flavours from a banana-berry smoothie in the morning, the sun setting across the river, and the list goes on. I realized for myself that none of these require a lot of money. They do require a thriving Mother Earth. I hope I never forget how small I am beside the ocean because in the commotion of life it can be so easy to get caught up in the “more is better” refrain of consumerism and capitalism. I need to remember that simple things help me become a fuller me.
When it comes to relationships—namely friendships, I learned again simplicity is powerful. I grew up trying to enhance relationships by doing a lot. Serving, caring for, etcetera. I lived in this constant fear of anxiety that I would never be good enough and that no one could seriously accept and love me as I really am. So that meant over complicating things and trying to hold together friendships that were either one-sided or on the verge of dissipating just in fear of letting go. In grad school, I finally got it. Letting go didn’t necessarily have to be a clear cut goodbye. I would always hold the lessons and memories the other taught me. But I didn’t have to put it on me or be nitpicky with myself on my own faults when things didn’t work out… it would be okay to just simplify things: sometimes people walk in and out of your life. Some leave for good and others come back and that’s okay. That’s more than okay if you let it be.
3. Chasing the sun for too long may mean getting sunburned! But you can grow immensely without burning out.
There’s a picture in our apartment and it says: “If you get tired, learn to rest not quit.” Our apartment is quite eclectic and I’m going to miss it so much (cue tears as I move into my new apartment tomorrow). The point is, I’m so grateful for the previous tenants for leaving some really cool things with us, including this poster. I look at it when I stretch before and after my runs. Sometimes it’s important to know when to cut your losses and sell (ie. sunken cost fallacy) but other times, if something is immensely important, it’s also important to find ways of resting instead of giving it up. As a kid, I was enamoured with the concept of linear growth. I mean can you blame me when society is structured that way? The only way to be better is up? I often think of renowned athletes who have so much public pressure to not only defend their titles or world records but to do even better or win more medals. Anyhow, it’s so easy to be completely bedazzled by the sun only to forget that without taking some breaks to go inside and re-apply sunscreen, the sun can be quite damaging and unforgiving.
Then there’s also this idea that not only can you grow a lot without burning out but you can also grow in different ways. It’s not always about chasing the “sun” that’s so big and perhaps a lot of people are chasing. It can also take the form of being your own sun (any Grey’s Anatomy fans here?) That is, there are different forms of growth. Some outwardly obvious like chasing the sun and some less obvious and much more inward.
So, with that being said, I don’t have much more to say at this point. I’m still thinking and going to continue to reflect on what this past year has meant to me. Much of which will be coming in two imminent blogs. Starting this fall though, I might provide more seasonal updates (quarterly updates, you know what I mean ;) ?)
If you want more of a substantial graduation reflection, check out my UBC graduation letter here, which includes a video version for those audio and visual learners!
And to cap it all off, here are 2 quotes I came across this past month and a half that I’ve thought about:
1. "The goal of adulthood is to let go of the other possible existences and to make the best of the one. A successful adult is one who understands that it doesn't matter which life you ultimately pick, only that you live it well."
2. “Art does not imitate life. Art anticipates life.” - Jeanette Winterson
Art isn’t about beauty. It’s about making you feel something. [Teaser: More of this to come especially in my LA blog that’s up next…]
A big s/o to my friend Kristina Kashtanova who so kindly helped capture these precious moments that I will forever cherish <3
*this post is inspired by Sara Bareille’s song: Chasing the Sun ; a song that means a lot to me as I discovered it during my recovery from my first lung surgery! Can you pick up on the other inspos behind my post names and themes starting with my first monthly grad school reflections?
