New Year’s Day
“And now we welcome the new year, full of things that have never been.” - Rainer Maria Rilke
Wow, where to begin. It’s the last day of 2021. I finished finals a week ago and today, the exhaustion hit me. It may also be the booster shot! Which, yay, I got on the first day I was eligible. I just feel like sleeping all day. In more typical Cecilia fashion, I generally like to reflect on the year but surprisingly ever since the pandemic first hit, I’ve found more trouble blogging my reflections. I might talk about them with friends or reflect on them on my longer walks or runs but it's interesting how something so second nature to me became more difficult. In fact, if I’m being completely honest, I started this blog on the last day of 2021 but am finishing it a week later. The exhaustion was real. And like my email vacation responder, I indeed went into full hibernation mode. I literally slept pretty much the whole day, the second day after my booster. I couldn’t stop myself! I was a bear in an almost 24-hour hibernation. So bear with me as I am bending the truth a little bit here (okay, fair–a lot) in the internet world because ah who cares when I really posted this or wrote this, it’s a reflection nonetheless right? But I will always know and you, now too, that the symbolism of dates matters to me because it was a tradition younger Cecilia always kept. Always. Except in 2020 and then in 2021. Well, here’s to 2022, where I get back into it again ;)
I’ve been asked quite a lot recently how my year was been, how my first semester of grad school was like, and what I learned. I don’t really know where to start but I’m going to try to keep it brief for once (not really). And the best way I can do that perhaps share with some quotes and go from there so I don’t start going on another verbage dump here.
“Take a deep breath and remember the body has an amazing ability to heal itself.” - Martin Rutkowski.
A year ago, I was incredibly burnt out. After applying to five PhDs and five master’s programs as well as three scholarships on top of taking grad level classes, I was in bed a lot. Not just during the winter break but throughout most of the semester, being holed up inside due to a paralyzing fear of breathing outside air in case of COVID; our family did not take any non-essential trips for a full year. That’s right, my first time going out into the world was actually going to take my GRE’s. Scary stuff. I was in pain a lot of pain. Terrible chronic pain and emotional pain of not being able to see any of my friends in person. I missed the vibrancy of human energy your body experienced sub and unconsciously. Fast forward a year of a lot of self-preservation and prioritization of health (mind, body, heart, and soul), I found myself in a much better place physically, emotionally, and mentally. I am so grateful that in the past half-year, I have put my body first by prioritizing sleep, rest, healthy food, mental health and exercise above all else. Since moving to NYC, I have run, biked, or swum at least 3-4x / week. Initially, it wasn’t easy but it has kept me incredibly grounded and is a micro lesson each day of the regenerative work my body does to heal. My body is in a constant cyclical and reiterative state of healing and recovery. And this Christmas as well as New Year, I celebrated five years since my second lung surgery. I have not only discovered the immense power of my body but also how incredible it is. Like really. I am so proud not just of me as a person but me, my body. I am so proud of all it has gone through and how it carries me through the day and this past half-decade, which has never been particularly easy. I never thought I could heal or hope five years ago. I didn’t think I could or would make it but as I’ve said before, each breath is remembrance. Remembrance for what I’ve gone through, what I go through, and will continue to go through but now I acknowledge and come to it with a beautiful acceptance that I’ve got all I need and I no longer need to be afraid because no matter how long it takes, the body is healing. For some, it’s longer and at times, we are not ever restored to the state prior to whatever it is that happened to us but the fact that we are on a journey nonetheless, where on the net, we are healing I think that’s a pretty damn spectacular thing.
“I'm still growing, this time inwards instead of upwards” - Ava Huang.
A powerful lesson I realized this year. Growth comes in all forms but don’t we as a society place upwards and linear growth on a pedestal? Isn’t fully understanding ourselves and uncovering what brings our feelings or emotions into existence just as valuable if not more valuable? In some ways, coming to an institution like Columbia (one that as a younger kid I would have dreamed of) made me realize just how lucky I am to be here but also how not one of us are better, smarter, or more ‘deserving’ to be here or there. It’s not just school or a highly coveted job title or how much money you make or any other status label. In fact, as I read Michael Sandel’s The Tyranny of Merit, I am more convicted to believe that we have to rethink how we think of deservedness and of progress/ growth in our society. All of us are inherently valuable and special and smart in our own ways. We all have something to learn from one another and we all have something to teach another. And it took me so long but perhaps I see it now that growing inwardly is not only the best thing you can do for yourself but for those around you. To truly understand yourself and love yourself through self-growth gives you the only genuine capacity to love, respect, and value others and this incredible world we live in.
“Water does not resist. Water flows. When you plunge your hand into it, all you feel is a caress. Water is not a solid wall, it will not stop you. But water always goes where it wants to go, and nothing, in the end, can stand against it. Water is patient. Dripping water wears away a stone. Remember that, my child. Remember you are half water. If you can’t go through an obstacle, go around it. Water does” - Margaret Atwood.
I am trying to be like water! This past year has been about setting up the foundation. How can I balance my Type A tendencies with the inclinations of going with the flow I picked up in Paris? I am still learning but I am giving myself a lot more grace. In fact, somewhat interestingly I am being much more like water in the ways I talk to myself. We all talk to ourselves in our own heads but it took me until this year, to realize how unhealthy I was in the choice of words I would choose to criticize myself. The reasons for this I was able to explore and reflect upon and work through. That was not easy and still isn’t easy but the biggest breakthrough is how much more patient and kind I am to myself and pose less resistance to myself to feel the way I feel. There are times when I hurt or when I judge and I know that I’m better than that and so I start to resist how I’m really feeling. The biggest breakthrough is manifesting the water metaphor to truly flow and let go. To fully experience emotion and feeling and to acknowledge it to be able to move on. This year as I tried to become more like water, I felt a weight lifted off me. A weight I knew was always there but I could never get off no matter how hard I tried. How liberating and light I feel when I now talk to myself as my own best friend (because one of the best and most important relationships we’ll ever have, is the one with ourselves, am I right or am I right). How encouraging and peaceful I feel when I just have a little faith in the outcome because I’ve taken responsibility for the process. I will continue to be like water. Patient but steadfast. Both in growth and in outlook. Uncertainty is permanent and it is ever prevalent as the pandemic continues on into its third year, but to have hope and to have faith as I keep putting one foot in front of another will be more than enough. Because with time, things will pass and I will no longer remember what it was like to be weighed down by the weight of the world.
“Learning how to think really means learning how to exercise some control over how and what you think. It means being conscious and aware enough to choose what you pay attention to and to choose how you construct meaning from experience” - David Foster Wallace.
Enough said! I always come back to ‘This is Water’ by Wallace as I think it’s a powerful metaphor and reminder. I’ve learned a lot intellectually during this past semester. But more importantly, I’ve learned some invaluable life lessons. How to navigate imposter syndrome and the constant guilt of feeling like I’m not doing enough!!! But learning and having access to further education is all about sharpening the skill of how we think and process human experience. It’s all about choice. Perspective and attitude inform our reality.
“The really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness and discipline and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them over and over in myriad petty, unsexy ways every day” - David Foster Wallace.
I learned a lot about love this year from working on loving myself. Actually. I say it every year but this past year was the first year I really tried loving myself. It was hard work. To fully sit with all the darkness and shame and thoughts and emotions and more importantly be okay with it. To confront it head-on not with any pity but understanding and acceptance. Relationships and love are hard work. Being raised by rom-coms and the dopamine filled novels of happily ever narrative arcs, I was obsessed with a love and intimacy that not only was not real but also not healthy. Like many young children growing up, how love, relationships, and sex was portrayed in pop culture or media didn’t necessarily prepare us for adulthood. Love was portrayed as an obsession, a can’t live without you affair or a serendipitously easy and magical feeling. Love is hard, it’s difficult, it requires comprise and sacrifice. It’s bloody time consuming and heart wrenching and seemingly painstakingly hopeless sometimes. And so I needed to relearn many things about relationships, friendships, and intimacy. What were my insecurities? How did my childhood and other forms of small trauma affect how I approached relationships (cue summer reading book: Attached). For so long throughout high school and middle of undergrad, I was infatuated with this idea of wanting to receive love and to give it. But I then realized who was it that I was really looking to receive it from? How could I fully love another if I didn’t love myself? How could I look from love elsewhere if I could never satisfy the love, care, and attention I needed to first give myself? And as I began falling in love with myself, I started understanding how to better love others. Something I’m still working on. But I recognize that truly caring and loving others is no longer about the big gestures and the warm fuzzies, it’s much more intrinsic than that. It’s now an understanding of the monotony and the over-and-over again small inconveniences that we choose to submit our own desires to in pursuit of serving those we love. The thing is love is pretty great. It can be the feelings and the rain-drenched kisses of what movies portray but it’s not the full picture. The bigger picture is how redeeming love is. From how we love others to how we are loved, love changes us and we are never the same. I’d like to believe, we are never the same for the beter.
“Humanity at its best is worth both understanding and striving for with all our might” - Lee Bollinger
In light of a horrific tragedy on our campus, our university president shared a letter that included this quote. And I think it’s a great way to end. I like to believe in humanity’s goodness. While studying political science has reaffirmed how hard change for the better can be it has also reminded me that collective potentiality always exists and so as cheesy as it sounds, change for the better can be and is possible. I used to feel so angry a year ago that I had to get off social media because I was concerned with the bitterness I was feeling for people (some friends) that weren’t properly following public health guidelines. I was angry period. This year, I am no longer angry. There are countless people who care and who serve and make this world a much more nicer place to live in and that is enough for me. There is the bad and by nature of what I care about and do, I can’t ignore that as it galvanizes me. But holding onto this journey of understanding this world around me–both the good and the bad–is how I process heartbreak and confusion.
Recaps of small victories the past month:
finishing three 25pg research papers and two finals! ya girl did it!!! two photos of a sneak peek of finals life (first is a screenshot of random r/ stats stuff and the second is an accidental selfie at the days spent in the library). was so exhausted but i made itttt, no we made itttt.
surviving bayesian statistics, seriously. a momentous accomplishment (no energy to even capitalize haha)
having my first american thanksgiving with clara’s family (the best meal i’ve had in a while + the best ginger snap cookies ever)
meeting lovely people at a thanksgiving party for aesthetes (aka. people who love outdoor hiking/activities and appreciate art). alan played Schumann on cello for us all and not a single soul had their phone out, we were enamoured by good music and vibes. thank youuu
walking around the byrant christmas village and columbus circle christmas market with my new friend Sarah who treated me to some yummy hot apple cider
visiting the met cloisters! finally! the climb up to the top while wearing a kn95 is treacherous. seems like all the wine and champagne from christmas celebrations really did a number on me.
discovering that all these years the kelly clarkson christmas catchy song is called ‘underneath the tree.’ sorry upstairs and downstairs neighbours as i had this on ultra loud.
fulfilling my childhood dream of seeing dyker heights christmas lights. 10/10 would recommend. also i remember watching christmas movies as a kid (ie. home alone) and seeing the nativity scene but never IRL, well i finally did and can sleep satistifed.
just walking from columbia down to fifth avenue through cental park is like my new favourite thing and nostalgic as I did it back in 2017 and 2018 when I visited the city.
oh and walking, just walking along hudson river park when the sun is setting is a whole vibe too! saw the cutest baby black poodle playing fetch with their owner and a red frisbee! my heart. my whole heart.
saw the christmas displays near times square and fifth avenue and of course rocked around the rockerfeller tree! stayed for a quick sec and bounced because the crowds :((
visited the intimate frick collection (ues) and enjoyed listening to the audio guides while starting at Rembrandts … what a life *don’t make the mistake of going to 71st and fifth! go to 76th and madison, at least for now as the old building is renovated~
having mulled wine and shortbread with the aesthetes again after finals! also my first time. i can see what i’ve been missing out on
bought some orangey roses for myself close to nye, cause why not?
spent christmas eve alone for the first time! cecilia + champagne + chocolate! wow the best things in life start with ‘c’ don’t they? tipsy cecilia jamming out to ‘all by myself’ is the defining moment of my 2021 haha. quintessential bridget jones moment and speaking of which, watched a cheesy but so good rom com, love actually. da best.
eating at dante west village! wowza, definitely going back there again :))
Recaps of the year (one’s that I feel particularly proud about)
Graduated undergrad!
Made it to the half-decade milestone post-second lung op. which I never thought I would
Started more consistently using Headspace to tackle feelings of anxiousness due to COVID
Started affirmation journalling
Moved to NYC (a dream city to live in and have always wanted to)
Started grad school :-)
Started swimming consistently again and can swim (40 laps in under 40 minutes, a big feat since I used to get chest pain after a few strokes in)
Goals for New Year
Continue prioritizing health through food, sleep, mental health, and exercise
Continue to grow spiritually
Lean into the uncertainty
Dive into the uncomfortability and vulnerability required to have difficult conversations and tackle confrontations
Trust myself and others more
Have faith in the process
When in doubt, take a deep breath and just breathe
Extend kindness whenever and wherever I can
Try to continue to embody empathy and love each and every day
Create opportunities by having the courage to believe in myself
Don’t forget to stop and smell the flowers. Get out of the mindset ‘to do’ and think of how ‘to be’
Let go and let God
