23 Things I’m Grateful For!
This month, I made my twenty-third trip around the sun! Pretty exciting stuff if you ask me ;-) Each year, I love to write or blog about what I’ve learned but this year, I’m going to change it up. Rather than focusing all on me, I am paying tribute to all the beauty in my life aka. the people and the experiences. Honestly, I was so lucky for various reasons this past year such as having the privilege of living with my family (though hard at times), meeting the kindest of people (I’m looking at you, PhD students and professors), being safe and healthy, and finishing my undergrad!
23. Health (My Body and My Breath)
I shared a piece I had written about my health with a friend a few years ago and their feedback was so immensely beautiful that it took my breath away. In fact, I’ll paraphrase it here “breath is a powerful conventional focal point for presence, but in your case, a single breath means a lot more than just being there in the moment.” Indeed, each morning since the one-year anniversary of the pandemic, I have been waking up with a routine of stretching, acknowledging each breath, and journalling to be much more mindful and present with the experiences I’m experiencing and the people I’m experiencing them with. While I’ve been meaning to be more intentional about meditation, I have yet to do it consistently so, here’s to me one day fully incorporating it within my reflections about health. However, here’s more on the journaling technique and it goes like this (picked up by Jenn Im, a content creator on Youtube):
Daily affirmations
Today, I want to focus on…
Three things I’m grateful for
Three things I love about myself
The person I am becoming…
I have the opportunity to be my future self today when I…
I am proud of…
I highlight this practice because ever since I’ve started this journal, I realize that all my entries of each day include a reflection about health. Usually, it’s one of the top three things that come to mind of what I’m grateful for. Sometimes, it’s what I want to focus on or something that I love about myself (ie. for prioritizing it in my routine). Since 2017 and the scariest five years leading up to that which hosted various health challenges, I remain mindful of what a privilege it is to be alive. I am mindful of how each breath is purposeful and is a gift. That when my diaphragm expands and contracts the way it is supposed to and without me having to force it, that in itself is a gift. That I can use the washroom by myself, feed myself, get up from the bed without any pain, have an appetite, be able to sleep, so forth. That I can breathe most days without pain is a blessing! There was a tough time when I couldn’t breathe by myself and there was a big chunk of my life (which is still ongoing) that was and is spent in fear of not being able to breathe properly or to catch my breath. But in the context of a pandemic, these feelings are exacerbated that every second cannot be taken for granted. That since the onset of the pandemic, our world has experienced a collective trauma compounded upon existing inequalities and suffering.
Just the opportunity to soak in the world around us in all its glory and to look after the people we love. All of it is the best and most lucky gift I could ever have. While the nature of all that has happened health-wise on my journey has been a consistent reminder, the pandemic has solidified that health (mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual) must and will be a priority and a gift I cherish every step of the way. So this concept of breath is a metaphor and super meaningful to me in the context of health. Because regardless of what is going on in the world around me –that taking a step back to look at the bigger picture by having the ability to take a deep breath and to just breathe– is more than enough and it is all that I can ask in any given moment. I say thank you to my body for its health. I say thank you for its resiliency and conviction to get me through it all. I now recognize that the body does keep score of all that happens and the biggest thing I can do is to appreciate all that it has done for me and how it has carried me through the highs and lows. Thus, respecting and loving my body by looking after my health through mind, body, and soul is the best way to show my body my gratitude.
22. Education
I recently graduated from the best university in the world (well in my humble opinion)! Read my graduation letter here and there’s a special surprise video :-) And this also ranks high as one of the best gifts I’ve ever been given. Just the access to education and in my case, a world-class one, is an opportunity that will never be lost on me. The past five years of undergrad have been and I believe, will be the best of my entire life. The fact is, in our twenties, we have the capacity to change and grow much more than any other decade or developmental stage in our life (at least according to what Meg Jay highlights with the research in her book ‘The Defining Decade’). And what better place to have done it, other than the University of British Columbia. A place ranked highest in North America for the prettiest of campuses? That’s right, situated on the traditional, unceded, and ancestral territories of the Musqueam people, the UBC campus hosts various wildlife, gardens, a farm, a beach, forests, and a lookout of the Pacific ocean and the surrounding mountains. I start off with this note of being immersed in nature because there’s a tranquillity that comes from a reckoning that this earth we are on is not just a home but it is an extension of our humanity. UBC fostered my desire to support and to do as much as I can to support the conservation of our natural spaces and to protect them. UBC also helped me develop a closer connection with this beautiful world around me and reminded me of what’s at stake.
Most importantly, my time at UBC was restorative and life-changing. It helped me as I was recovering from my second lung surgery by not only its physical environment but also its campus culture. In a time of great despair and recovery, UBC via its staff, professors, and students empowered me as a person. Their patience, kindness, and never-ending support kept me going. Literally. To my professors, Anna Jurkevics, Mark Warren, Yves Tiberghien, and Fred Cutler, thank you for being my champions. As a citizen and thinker, UBC challenged me to embark on new knowledge frontiers and to never stop asking why! Pursuing an arts degree was hard and not a path I initially saw myself as fully committing to (I initially had intended to complete a dual degree) but it was perhaps the most rewarding as it opened me to a whole new world I never knew existed. Studying political science has not been easy. Not necessarily in an academic sense but in a personal-societal sense. I grapple with so many more paradoxes that I host within me at the intersectionality of my identities and sometimes it’s hard to communicate the nuance of my lived experiences. However, through the heartbreak and the difficult conversations, my liberal arts education has given me a powerful tool kit to always seek empathy and understanding of any issue whether it is contentious or not. I see my civic duty as a citizen to deliberate and to inform myself but also to engage with others empathetically and collaboratively. And as I embark into the real world (or at least more so), I find myself with a strong conviction that I will survive and get through anything that comes my way because I have all the things I need. That confidence and tool kit definitely couldn’t have come about with UBC and all the growth that’s happened there.
21. Opportunities (exchange + work)
Wow, where can I really start… but just reflect on all the people I was able to come across because of some unforgettable opportunities. From serendipitous career starts at a boutique consulting firm PFM to working in economic policy for the government and then to studying abroad in the city of literal dreams, Paris. All of it happened while I was at UBC and so, more gratitude for my undergrad! In all seriousness, I know there are those cheesy quotes about how opportunity is a combination of skill and luck and while that is true –I generally try to put in my 110% for things I commit to and sometimes work on creating opportunities for myself– I have found that the most rewarding and memorable opportunities have come unexpectedly. Isn’t that strange? It really epitomizes a Chinese idiom that speaks to how sometimes the harder you try to reach for something it becomes more elusive and just out of your grasp. But when you just take things as they go and with ‘the flow,’ sometimes things work out even better than you could have imagined. Well, that’s definitely it! All those times my mentors told me that it was the small unexpected moments that made the biggest impact on their lives and careers, it’s starting to make sense now.
I just decided to say yes. Like Taylor says, “I'm doing good, I'm on some new shizz.. been saying "yes" instead of "no." And yeah, just saying yes to opportunities sometimes that you hadn’t necessarily planned or thought of for yourself can take you off the well-beaten path. From there, where life takes you, that’s a secret your life will never tell and perhaps, that’s the magic and awe-gasping moments of life we all live for.
In 2018, I decided I was going to say yes to myself. Yes to my own dream of always wanting to live in Paris. Mhmm the food and the macarons were high on my life list haha! So with the encouragement of my mentors at PFM and generous donors support of UBC Go Global Scholarships, I went for it. One thing they don’t tell you at the Go Global Study abroad office is how much is up in the air. I mean seriously! Like you plan for such a big move and you don’t even know if your visa will go through. Or even securing an apartment is a whole ordeal. So it really was having faith in myself that I could tackle anything that would pop up. And so many things happened on that exchange that were difficult and painful but I also experienced so many things that I never would have if I had decided to stay at home within my comfort zone. Speaking French like a five-year-old taught me humility and it showed me humanity’s kindness. How so many Parisians took their time to teach me how to say things properly (because even seven years of learning French can’t help me overcome my weaknesses of learning new languages). I loved France. I loved Paris. I loved how kind people were there and how much they took to delight in their craft. This is starting to turn into a post about how much I loved Paris so…I’m just going to cap it off by saying if interested in reading more about what exactly I learned in France and from the French people and why I loved it all so much, read my reflection here.
Oh and going back to the work opportunities, I am so grateful for the mentors and invaluable life lessons I’ve learned from all of them and my colleagues. Priceless.
20. Dogs!
I mean dogs! No explanations really needed. Except I don’t like dogs with an attitude or ones that bite people.
19. Immigrant and Cultural Background (growing up in various places)
Well, for the longest time this wasn’t something I was proud about or even happy about. I definitely suppressed where I came from and a lot of the cultural values I was brought up in as a young kid growing up in the West. While I feel guilty about only starting to feel grateful and even proud of that background, I want to pinpoint the exact values I am referring to.
My parents left all that they knew in 1999. Restarting their lives in Canada with humble beginnings and working hard to give my sister and I a lifetime of opportunity, they are all that I am and all that I hope to be. Their work ethic, their sacrifices, and their commitment to integrity are all things that inspire me. In particular, we didn’t have a lot when I was growing up. I didn’t know it at the time but sometimes my parents struggled very hard financially… yet I would never change a thing about my childhood. They donated money even when they weren’t financially secure to do so. They fostered the idea that giving and supporting others is a given and it is a standard of life to uphold. As a child, I was so happy even if we didn’t have material things or get to eat a lot. In my earliest years growing up in Canada, they spent as much time as they could with me outside of working various jobs and redoing their university credentials. I have learned the value of hard work. I have learned the value of quality time with the people we love. I have also learned what it’s like to have to suppress stigma or harassment in fear of retaliation or loss of financial security from my parents. It is with their sacrifice, fears, pain, and unconditional love that I am reminded day in and day out of how valuable the life I have is and the importance of all opportunities I am given. They have taken all the shame of their accents and their backgrounds so that perhaps one day, I might not have to. They have sacrificed their dreams so I can have mine.
I take initiative and I do not go sitting around waiting for things to happen to me. When I want something, I’m going to work for it. When I want something done, I’m going to do something about it. This attitude comes from my cultural upbringing and my parents’ values but I’d also like to believe it is shaped by the unique intersection of my growing up in Western society while under the roof of my Chinese parents. It’s the mix of the best of both worlds but it wasn’t easy and it still isn’t easy. Tackling different concepts and worldviews of responsibility, love, family, relationships, work, school, health, etcetera is a lot of work and there’s a lot of internal conflicts that take place. Just the amount of mental pushback I have on each idea or opinion I have can be exhausting. So exhausting!! But it is entirely unique and I believe wholeheartedly it remains an integral part of shaping who I am and will be. And of course, providing me with the advantage of seeing and experiencing things differently than those around me.
18. Books as well as Kobo!
I love books. Period. The smell of walking into a book store or a used book store or a library just feels so familiar and safe. I grew up in the library so the smell of books is super comforting. Just like home. I love the feeling of running my fingers along the spines of books I’m checking out or the crisp flip of a page when I’m caught up in a book I’m reading. Or even the smell of the pages and print. Seems strange but I swear I’m not the only one. Getting to the more important part, books open a whole new world for me. I read so much as a kid and still do (book recommendations, here). Books are a way of transcending our own individuality and connecting with the universal and specificities of another’s life experiences. In some ways, the act of reading is a process of creating art because we read into the stories or words and embed them within our own lives or interpret them through our own lenses. That act of interpretation is unique and so liberating, which brings me to my next one:
17. Language
Well, without language where would we find ourselves? Language is power. The ways in which we communicate and the ways in which we demonstrate our humanity is through the capacity to use language to convey ourselves. Our art, music, mathematics, dance, code, and more are all forms of language. I find it fascinating how we bring our own style to it and how language informs our perspectives of this world around us and how the world around us affects our languages. I am so grateful for language as a writer and artist.
16. Strangers and their kindness
When in France, I met some amazing strangers. Well not only in France, but also in other places that I solo-travelled. I believe the common denominator is that I encounter these kind humans when I’m by myself. While I can get so caught up in the negative things that people choose to do, I am optimistic from the people I have crossed paths with who had no need to be kind but they did. They went out of their way to help me or welcome me to their country. Some examples, Kathleen a New Jersey native who is a grandmother to many kids. We were next to each other on a bus up to St. Paul de Vence. We ended up chatting as we both were still working on becoming more fluent in French. Her cell service was quite bad and asked if she could follow me along. We got to the city and walked around, took some photos, went into local shops, and then ate lunch together. While of course, I remained still diligent of not leaving my things behind or finishing my water/ food before I used the washroom when I came out Kathleen had kindly paid for the meal! Which she really didn’t have to or shouldn’t have done because it wasn’t a cheap place. I ended up treating her to dessert to make up for it and paid her museum ticket at a Rodin museum we ended up to finish of the day. The next days on my solo South of France trip, I left for Antibes to visit museums, check out local markets, and take a nice scenic walk along the coastal front. I decided to grab some moules et frites. Given how small the restaurant was, I was cozily nestled to a German couple. Midway through my meal, they spotted how things were getting crowded on my small table and my SciencesPo tote bag. We then started talking and had such an interesting conversation about business, economics, IR, and politics. The man was a business major and had three kids my age. They were again so kind because I was a student, they insisted on paying for my meal at which I said no. But they did it anyways because their French was so good and they had told the waiter already that they would pay for it. Again another shock. Civil discussions about politics and economics? Deliberation, I’m living for it! The hearing of others’ life stories and where they got to where they are today, I’m also so here for it! And a very interesting part is also coming up! After lunch, I hiked/ walked the 10km to Cap Antibes and at the ‘cap’ I came across three women chatting. I didn’t know if this was it (the ‘cap’) so I had asked in my French if this was it. They could tell I wasn’t French so we started talking in English after as we started walking back. They were a mother-daughter pair with the mother bringing her best friend (they were wearing matching hiking outfits)! Bestie goals right there. So the daughter was close to my age and you know what we still keep in touch today! In fact, I interviewed Simone for my blog here. The mother could speak Mandarin so we chatted about our families and our upbringing. Many similarities of the immigrant experience and I felt like this was such a great coincidence to wrap my day up in Antibes. They talked about their travels in Paris previously as Simone was travelling in celebration of graduating. All in all, so cool that I’m still in touch with both the mom and the daughter today!
The next day I left for Monaco after visiting Eze and again there I met the kindest family. While waiting for the train, their toddler daughter kept wanting to play with me. Given that I used to teach an art school with young kids and teach Sunday school, I love kids. The train was getting a bit behind so the family started talking to me as I began to engage with the young daughter. She really wanted to be a princess and I could be an animal. They asked me where I was from and also noticed my Sciences Po tote bag (tote bags are the best conversation starters). So the father was originally from Toronto (ay Canadian) and he went to London, UK for school and then work. He met his wife (half British, half French) at university in London. And then after they stayed in London for many years, they decided to move back to the south of France as the wife had an estate there. Anyhow, the names are fading away from me at this particular point in time but I am sure they will come back. They had bought an extra ticket to the Monaco Grand Prix and asked me if I wanted to go, which they said would be very fun and exciting as that year it would be the first year of electric racing. They told me I didn’t have to worry about paying for the ticket as it would go to waste anyways and they could see their daughter very much enjoyed my company and had already started holding my hand! So I said sure, as I was only going to stroll around Monaco anyways. I did end up giving the lovely couple some money for the ticket regardless and let’s just say it wasn't my thing but it was very interesting to see and experience. Because I had gone hiking earlier that day up in Eze, I had worn some thicker more insulated clothing. I was sweating terribly for the racing event because the heat just went up crazily in the afternoon. All in all, it was again such a great encounter with such a lovely group of people! It taught me just how diverse the lived experiences of people are and how life brings them on such formidable and incredible paths. What a whirlwind of a life am I on? There’s just one way to find out. All aboard! Let’s buckle up!
15. Spotify (algorithms haha)
If you know me you’ve probably heard about my fears of algorithmic governance and the potentially unethical speculative future predictions they might invoke… but anyhow, I must admit I’m a sucker for Spotify. I can’t argue with how it knows me so well and can predict new music or artists that I will love. They say that our phones know us better than we know ourselves sometimes or most of the times at this rate that most of us are all using our phones. (BTW, if you want to start adopting digital minimalism and be more mindful of your technology use/ minimize algorithms spying in certain areas of life, read Cal Newport’s book Digital Minimalism or James Clear’s book Atomic Habits or Michael Harris’ book The End of Absence *all vetted by me and highly recommended). Okay so back to the point… well, just thank you to Spotify because I’ve discovered some real good gems. Check them out here! So I live in this uncertainty and apprehension because I feel like life is about this tension between convenience and community. Like the convenience that technology brings is important! Undeniably important in terms of all the bettering of life outcomes and how we can do so many things with it. But there’s also this feeling that we are sucked into an online vortex, where we are mindlessly liking people’s posts or watching them live their life without ever catching up with them. There’s a lot of psychology and social psychology research on how screen and digital time is affecting our relationships not only with others and the world around us but also our most important relationship of all: the ones we have with ourselves. Who am I? Who am I supposed to be? What’s my purpose? Let’s deck out of this one before I get too philosophical and analytical. All in all, I have to admit I am grateful for the music and the exposure to sounds I would have never found for myself without Spotify. Also, also! Spotify has identified me as a top Taylor Swift and Khalid fan. Well, I have identified a top detective and star student right here! Spotify!
14. Security and Stability (environment around me)
The feeling of safety is also something I’m grateful for. Being a Canadian citizen, I recognize how many rights I have. Going to church and singing worship songs without fear. Speaking my thoughts and sharing my opinions in the classroom. Being able to drive and make decisions regarding my body for myself. Having a warm bed I can climb into every evening. Closing my eyes and being able to breathe. All of this stability and security of self is something I know that not everyone has. I don’t know why I was so lucky in this life to have parents who love me and a place to call home, but I know that I want to spend the rest of my life dedicating myself to causes to give back and to use my privileges to empower others to feel safe and secure as well.
13. Taylor Swift!
I am pretty lucky I get to be alive during the era of musical genius that is Taylor Swift. Her songwriting especially her bridges, like I am speechless. Now I’ve gotten some people who have asked me ‘wait, seriously,’ and I’m just like flabbergasted. I may not know Taylor personally but I do know a version of her through her art. And she makes mindblowing, breathtaking, beautiful art as an artist, a creator, a writer, a poet, and so forth. Hello? Have you ever listened to folklore? Or any of her other record-breaking albums for that matter? I don’t usually identify as a fan of anything but I am a clear Swiftie. Her music has been somewhat like a soundtrack to my life not necessarily because I have experienced the type of love stories she has but because each album she released has coincided with major chunks of my growing up. And so every time a Taylor song comes on, I would be automatically transported back to that time in my life again. When my sister was two and I was nine, we would crank up the radio in anticipation of when Love Story would come on. And indeed, if we were lucky and it did, we would clap excitedly and run around the living room playing lava and jump to the chorus of ‘Romeo save me, I’ve been feeling so alone, I love you and that’s all the reason…” We would reenact the scene that he would pull out the ring and they would run happily ever after. Or when I was in my young teen years and playing ‘kick the can’ with the neighbourhood girls, we would perform a nightly ritual of shouting out the chorus of "Our Song.’’ On car rides to the States (as gas was cheaper, we often drove across the border), I would play Fearless on my iPod nano. I would close my eyes and think of the day when I met my partner and drag them out in the rain, dance with them headfirst, fearless. Anytime actually when the rain hits the pavement and the city lights cast a glow on the puddles, the entering lines drift through my ears and I’m transported back to when I was a little girl. When I got older, with the health experiences and watching my grandfather tackle cancer, the song “Ronan” hit closer to home about appreciating time with our loved ones. I could go on and on and I probably will for a separate blog, but the point is that I am grateful to be able to crank on any Taylor song and be able to find myself in a very specific vignette of my life. To be able to remember how I felt when I was first listening to the song and what my life was like at that time. In the past year, folklore and evermore have been getting me through some tough times. Yes, shouting out the bridge to “illicit affairs” on the balcony during lockdown got me feeling a certain way. And of course, Fearless Taylor Version’s is such a nostalgic misty-eyed walk down memory lane. All in all, I look forward to the day I help plan my children’s graduation ceremonies and decide to blast “Long Live” because clearly, I did have the best time-fighting dragons with you~
12. Artistic abilities
My parents enrolled me in art lessons when I was three. The story of how I got immersed in arts was definitely serendipitous because art lessons was cheaper than childcare so my parents thought win-win :-) and what a lucky path I was brought on. I love that I am creative and I love that I’m artistic. This past summer and with the conclusion of undergrad, I’ve had a lot more time to paint some pieces for my parents before I leave for grad school (check out some of my art pieces here). Boy, has it been liberating. Getting caught up in the intricacies of colours and strokes is soothing. Smelling the oil paints again brought me back to all the days I used to paint competitively for fifteen years at Teacher Zhou’s. All the friends I made there and the hours I spent bettering myself in the craft have faded a bit but the memories are all still there. With time and practice, I’ll get better again.
11. Chai lattés
Mmmm. Creamy foam and spices are the perfect combination. A match made in heaven and my ultimate weakness. Drinking one on the go or curling up with one when reading a book makes any day better.
10. Sunrise and sunsets
Nothing can capture the feeling of watching the sunrise or sunset. I believe it’s the most magical moment of any given day. The way the colours swirl and then blend across the sky. My camera can never get it right. So I just accept it in front of my two wide-open eyes. This is real. This is right now. I’m here and what a moment to be alive.
9. The outdoors in particular the ocean
A letter I wrote last year to Mother Earth perhaps captures it best:
How we try but never succeed in emulating your power and your beauty. You’ve got nothing on us Mother Earth. Thank you for holding us in wonder, your crashing waves and the oceans that remind us how small we really are. Your unending skies keeping us gasping for air as thousands of painters and writers try to capture the exploding colours each morning and night. We try and we come close; never the same. You are the real thing. The unreplicable treasure no matter how hard we may try. You are extraordinary and irreplaceable. Unpredictable yet constant. The countless stars. The drenching in the rain. The newfound grace. I love you for all of it. Because it has continually given me life, continually revived all of us. Never failing to bring a smile to my face when the morning birds sing or when the butterfly unexpectedly flutters close to my nose. As I close my eyes at night, I dream that I am engulfed in your embrace on the cool Nicaraguan sands and thundering waves of El Trapiche and the indecipherable blend of sea to sky. Freckles of twinkling little stars smiling down on me. The two weeks of 2015 far from all civilization teaching me what can only be heard when all the world is still and I strain my ears to listen. As Van Gough best tried to emulate “For [our] parts [we] know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes [us] dream”. You give us the space to dream.
8. My inclination to try (empathy, initiative, open-mindedness)
Many people have supported me and shaped my growth so my inclination to be empathetic and open-minded comes from a lot of those wonderful people and the experiences I’ve had. But I am grateful because I am a ‘tryer.’ Yes a word I came up with by myself ;) I think that regardless of how things happen or don’t happen, I always do my best to try. Whether that’s trying to understand the situation or person. Trying to make amends or trying to be better. In most cases, just the striving and the act of committing to the process is something that ends up being even more rewarding than the end outcome. The process in itself is arduous and it can be mundane, but I know in hindsight I’m always the proudest of that (the process and the person I end up becoming at the end of it).
7. Teachers + professors
Where would I be without my teachers and my professors? The best people, seriously. I mean first, there was Ms. Garden in Grade 5 who completely changed the trajectory of my life. She believed in me when no one else would. Then there were the dedicated teachers at my high school Fraser Heights. They went above and beyond to empower students there within leadership and outside of the classroom. Biggest s/o to my supporter and mentor and awesome social teachers Ms. Rakkar and Mr. Pocock. I definitely wouldn’t be where I am today (studying the social sciences) without their encouragement and belief in me. There’s so many more teachers at FH, who had an impact on me. From Ms. Brown my PE teacher, to Ms. Murray who supported me with my writing in competitions, to Ms. Skeete, Brar, and Wong with my tenure as student council president, and Mr. Ahn as well as the rest of the Science Academy teachers. The principals and secretaries who listened to all the ideas I brought to the table and helped me see them through. Thank you.
In university, my Professors Anna Jurkevics, Yves Tiberghien, and Mark Warren inspired my interests in civic engagement and participation. And my awesome + super cool thesis advisor Professor Fred Cutler! Oh and of course Dr. Ayse Yasar spurring my interest in law and tech during my stint at Sciences Po. I’m just really lucky to have crossed paths with people who have championed me and unwaveringly supported my growth in pursuit of my goals. They have played such a pivotal role in fostering my successes inside and outside of the classroom. During my fall application cycle amidst grad level courses and the third wave of the pandemic, I was in a lot of chronic pain but all my UBC professors came together and supported me in my applications at points when I couldn’t even believe in myself. The fact that they saw what I couldn’t and that they spend their time caring for me got me through the past year without a doubt. Even thinking about that time tears me up because I felt so alone at first but just as quickly realized that I never was and never would be.
6. Rain
“There’s something bout the way, the street looks when it’s just rained, there’s a glow on the pavement.”
“The rain came pouring down and when I was drowning that was when I could finally breathe.”
Enough said.
Okay, I’ll explain. Both are lyrics of Swift’s songs but they capture my feelings about the rain so well. Because I love the sun and I’m sure most people do too. But do we ever take the time to fully appreciate the rain? If we didn’t have rain then would we even appreciate sunny days as much? Hmm? Kind of like my analogy of eating chocolate cake after drinking coffee. How much sweeter is the cake after the bitterness? Yeah so I’m getting a bit philosophical again because the reason I love rain is more than the feeling it evokes (pensiveness and quiteness) but it’s also a reminder that there are seasons in life. There are times when it will rain and it will rain and it will feel so dark but there will be days when the sun will come peeking out through the clouds again. It’s a solid reminder of the cycle of life and the cyclical highs and lows that we experience day in and day out. Also, also! We need the rain. Our planet depends on it. So in some cases, the rain and the sun balance each other out. Oh and well, I just love the smell of wet pavement and wet grass so that’s that. Literally, my childhood captured in a nutshell: playing in the rain on the wet concrete or in muddy fields. The best times.
5. Mom’s cooking
Nothing can ever compare to my mother’s cooking! We had a few homestays back in high school and they were slim when they came to live with us. After they lived with us for a few years, let’s just say they had gained a lot of weight. Because no one can withstand the deliciousness of my mother’s food. She makes everything from scratch every single day and for most meals (except when she’s sick or when I step into cook). But can you imagine? Authentic Chinese meals every single day. Damn. The dedication and the hours spent helping her cook and clean are insane. It’s a full-time job. This is why our relatives joke that my younger sister and I are so tall (upwards of 5’10’’). It’s also probably why when I used to hang out with my friends as a teenager, strangers would think that I was the mother (or it could just be my pensive and serious face). Anyhow, when I leave for grad school I’m going to miss the food so so much. The past year since living at home and helping my mom with the meals, I realize just the extent of her dedication and sacrifices for our family. It’s not easy to do this every day. She wakes up early and serves us through her food and her cooking. When she wasn’t feeling well for a bit, I had to step in. I was so tired. Even more than school :,( because I realized that at home there’s just a never-ending cycle of things to do as compared to work or school (you can check things off boxes). So this is a reminder that we should never forget that even as societies like ours become more gender-equal, at home (within heterosexual households) the research still demonstrates that most women still end up with most of the cooking, cleaning, and household tasks than men (more than seventy percent?). Men, we need you to step up and lean in! A house is a house and that means all individuals should be EQUALLY involved. The emotional burden of cooking and getting groceries and keeping on top of everyone’s diets and everyone’s schedules is mentally taxing, women can’t and shouldn’t do that alone. So that turned into a bit of a manifesto, oops. Apologies, moving on…
4. Serendipitous moments
So what does this mean? Like the movie Serendipity 3? Uh yeah, sort of! I mean this ties into all those wonderful encounters with strangers on solo travels but it’s also the really strange coincidental things that happen. Whether it’s with people or things. Back in March, I was scheduled for a Columbia university scholarship interview and I was very excited but also nervous. At that point, graphic news videos of rising anti-Asian hate crimes in NYC were distressing me to the point I had trouble sleeping at night (my mind was biased because I was reading the NYTimes a bit too much and not recognizing hate crimes happen everywhere). I was nervous that if I did well in my interview that would mean it would be harder to ignore the fact that I might have to move to NYC. So as I went running that morning I was crying because the senior woman who looked a lot like my nana and had been savagely beaten almost to death in a borough of Manhattan. What if I was in New York in a year’s time and I saw something like that happen and I couldn’t stop it? All these thoughts were buzzing in my mind ( I swear there’s a good ending here) and though my eyes were blurry with some tears, I blinked a few times and saw to my disbelief a hummingbird!! I don’t know about you but outside of the summertime and vicinity of red narrow flowers, I had never seen hummingbirds at the early entrance of spring. The hummingbird kept hovering above a tree I had just run next to. It would stay there for the next minute and a half. It blinked at me and then left. I was shook. I kept running and a squirrel on a few trees later on the block, paused on the branches to look at me. It tilted its head and literally tried to offer me something it had in its hands. I waved at it. It looked at me again and then elegantly pranced higher up into the tree. I mean most people call these ‘signs’ and so yeah, I definitely felt that was a sign. I felt comforted by these animals who gave me some of their time that day and reminded me just to breathe and to let go.
3. Friends
Friends are the family we choose. I’m going to keep it short and sweet but I am tremendously blessed to be graced with my friendships and to have been so lucky that God placed uplifting and incredible people in my life. To my friends, thank you for sticking by me and instigating my growth. Your truth and your commitment to being there during my best and my worst have helped me grow my self-confidence and inner convictions to stay true to who I am. Big hugs. I could also not be who I am today without your presence in my life. To Clara, for spending that night in the hospital with me and teaching me what friendship is all about. To Nathan, for always speaking the truth into my life and being an encouraging friend in all my endeavours. To Robert, for the fruitful hours-long conversations about all things intellectual and personal, you challenge me to be a better person and thinker. To Betty, for always knowing how to cheer me up and for the past fourteen years. To Gabs, for allowing me to be myself and for inspiring me in faith. To Niv, for the firm foundation on which you stand and the light, you shed into everyone’s lives around you. To my newer friends, Chels for giving me the courage to work on myself and the best books; Patrisse for teaching me about my values and priorities; Katy for her bubbliness and always rocking on the same bandwidth. I doubt I could finish this list completely because there have been so many others, Maike, Swish, Rob, Catharina, Logan, James, Ariel, Chelsea, + hundreds of others who have blessed me with their advice and willingness to help me with no matter what I ask and at what time of day. I could have never gotten through the past five years without you and to find myself where I am today. So much love, gratitude and hugs.
*I can’t upload all my photos but trust me in my graduation video, I include all photos of you wonderful people :,)
2. Family
It is not lost on me that pursuing my passions and having the space to learn, to fail, and to grow has only been possible because of my parents. And their love for me continually impacts my work and is at the heart of my unrelenting commitment to empower others and most importantly to pursue compassion for others above all.
I am so grateful for all the challenges and hardships that we have gone through together and the contentions we even have amongst ourselves sometimes because all of it makes me a better person. I realize now that love takes a lot of work. As a hopeless romantic, I sometimes have a hard time dispelling the myths of love we see or hear about through pop culture, films, or books… because the reality is that love is an active choice. It’s not always about a feeling. It’s a choice every single day to love one another in spite of all the flaws, spites, and challenges. Thank you for teaching me how to love others and myself. I love you all so much and am forever grateful for your presence in my life.
1. Faith
Knowing that I am a child of God who has been pursued since the very beginning has saved me. At times, I struggled a lot with self-hatred and shame and guilt… I struggled with my unexpected health events and through it all I had God. In times when I had no will to live, His peace and His love saw me through. There is something I cannot completely explain of how having faith has transformed and changed my life but it has. In ways that seem to defy reality or understanding… You see, I lost a lot of things when I ended up in the hospital various times. Previously, I had found my identity in my grades, my academic status, my ability to do good work, to be a good daughter, to be a good citizen, etcetera. All those things disappeared the moment I found myself confined to a bed for weeks on end. How could all the things I worked so hard for or cared about, just leave me in the times I needed it the most? The people I thought who cared about me, my friends? I had to reconstruct my identity and value myself, solely for myself. And to recognize that when I told others that they were inherently valuable, to also believe it myself.
I wrote this piece on purpose back in the fall of 2018 and it only goes to briefly capture what faith means to me and why I’m grateful for it. Without further adieu:
So what? Why does it matter… You’ve done this and you’ve done that but how do you translate your actions into meaning? Are you remaining true to who you are? Who are you? And who do you want to be?
Don’t run around in circles seeking validation from others because it will never ever fulfill you. Don’t allow people to dissuade you from your values. You need to be who you were always meant to be. “You are enough because you are a child of God who has been pursuing you since the beginning. You are enough because of His grace and every good thing that you do or happens to you will be an overflow of the good He has given you and the love He has for you. Affirmation is never enough and will never be enough. You will learn that pleasing others is not your purpose. He doesn’t want you to pull it all together to show people you are enough because instead, He will lead you in a way to show others that He is enough” -SG.
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*In the context of this piece, I am very lucky to have virtually crossed paths with Jennifer who is an incredible writer and her website Jayemsee literally inspired a whole revamping of my own personal website as well as the planning of my future blogs. Thank you Jennifer! As an avid reader of her blogs, her blog about turning 23 deserves all the big kudos as it got me thinking and voila, this is why we’re here with my own ‘I’m Feeling 23’ blog about gratitude.
