Falling Forward
Happy belated Canadian thanksgiving to those celebrating or are still celebrating (I see you)! I wish I could say I was still stuffing my face with delicious pumpkin pie but apparently after telling my roommate he could have some, emphasizing “some,” he finished most of it without leaving me any. Indeed, Cecilia is a little bit grumpy… ah well, fine quite grumpy… but on a lighter and more important note, the leaves are turning a myriad of colours. I hope you all are enjoying the fall foilage and watching all the leaves falling down like pieces falling into place ;) A small win, after testing negative on day ten, I got to get back into my somewhat normal routine. I went on my first run post-COVID this Tuesday and much like every time I run my six-mile Kennedy reservoir loop, I am breathless from the breathtaking beauty of the trees. Central Park, oh how I love you. How whenever I think of you, my stress and my disappointments (that pumpkin spice is finite) all fade away.
I am not going to shy away from that as I blog this, I am really feeling it. Feeling the tiredness. And most of my blogs showcase the fun and sometimes hectic chaotic yet bubbly Cecilia. The Cecilia today is ohhh so tired.
I find myself lost in the hurtling of time. It is now mid-October and I feel the warmth from my last year’s October 2021 thanksgiving reflection blog. I miss school dearly and as much as intellectually rigorous grad school was, the agency with which to pursue my ideas and learning anchored me. Now, I find myself adrift at sea with all the countless deadlines for work I have and the rigidness of bureaucratic structure and almost laughable yet stifling office politics. I am learning in different ways but I am burnt out. I’m trying to find moments of simplicity and grounding to prioritize but I find them slipping away. I think this elusiveness of structure is completely a challenge to my tendency for control and planning. This season, I am cognizant that I keep saying I’m going to go with the flow but I’m not really doing that. I am reminded that if I keep focusing on the unnecessary, I will lose sight of the essential. And perhaps, as I reflect I glance over at my journal entry (10.10), I feel a lot more hopeful :
I need to stop comparing myself to my past self. I like to reflect on the past. Perhaps, my whole life my love for blogging has stemmed from an almost unhealthy obsession with nostalgia: what could have been. This season is about just being okay with the now. I’ve talked about prioritizing and living in the present though this is somewhat different. I feel as if in some ways constantly looking back means that I have not given what’s ahead too much thought. At least not since prior to 2017. This season, I’m going to “fall forward” and start imagining the possibilities. I’m going to start envisioning again. Start, beginning again.
Seasons change and our identities change. We ebb and flow. And that’s okay. I continue to work on giving myself more space to breathe and space to accept grace. Since last year, I have realized how hard I am on myself. And now, I am so much happier that I no longer self-criticize to the extent I used to and instead, focus on being my own best friend/hype person. These are all big wins and help me find something to focus my mind on other than the current chronic pain I feel. I hope that if you’re finding ways to reset after a bumpy transition to fall or an exhaustingly packed summer, you’re not alone. I’m still trying to rebalance myself after a wonderfully fun yet also disorienting summer.
This is another blog where I’m not sure of the destination I’m going to end up at. I’m giving myself into the writing process and seeing where my mind wanders. However, I’m thinking at this point why not feature some interesting and beautiful snippets of quotes, information, insights, and moments from the end of summer into the middle of fall that I hope will bring a smile to your face and a warm hug to your heart.
I watched Everything, Everywhere, All at Once on the plane back to Vancouver as per Eric’s recommendation. I have to admit that halfway through I still hadn’t gotten it. How bizarre everything was made me a little bit skeptical, should I have gone with a rom-com that I’ve watched a bajillion times already at this point? But wow. I can’t say much without spoiling it. So a little bit of a spoiler alert, but the fact that in any version of the universe, the fact that Evelyn still chooses Joy over and over again really got the waterworks going. The rock scene of Evelyn as a rock inching closer to Joy was also a scene that hit me. There’s so much that the final half of the movie did for me! The culmination of all the craziness made the simple moments so much more powerful. The power of love and kindness comes from making active choices. In fact, at the beginning of the plane ride, I had been writing a reflection especially as I hadn’t been home in more than a year at that point. I was recounting the lessons about love and relationships I had learned from starting to go on dates again in the summer. So much has changed in terms of how I see and understand love and while I may still be a hopeless romantic, I think what’s incredibly sexy is being there with someone in spite of the mundane and crazy. Thank you also Raymond for being all in all wholesome. Oh, and before I forget, some scenes are really interesting. Like the universe where the fingers are sausages. Yep, you read that right. But even in that weirdness and perhaps disgustingness for Evelyn, she still finds love and beauty in it. And that’s a good reminder that sometimes it’s not about romanticizing difficulties or the bad, but when all hope is lost, there is the possibility to find hope because there is always a possibility for love.
You must ignore what’s unnecessary to protect the essential. This pretty much encompasses a glaring theme that kept coming into my mind. The small things add up. Small things with consistency can make a large impact. And I’ve come to learn that the hard way as after a year of consistent meditation, this summer I dropped the ball. Without the same structure of school, I lost the momentum to keep myself accountable and let’s just say my racing mind is paying for it! Just ten minutes every morning. But over a week, a month, a year, it’s transformative. And I say this in my interview from a month ago with Megan (Director of Policy Planning at the UN Foundation), which just dropped! Shameless self-plug to check it out here. Want to get involved, shoot me a message!
I read this quote in an Atlantic piece called Don’t Objectify Yourself. I just love the Atlantic. “The experience of awe: the feeling of being in the presence of something vast that transcends your understanding of the world.” When was the last time you experienced that? Where? Tell me about the time, you experienced that breathtaking awe! I’ll tell you mine, just a couple of hours ago as the sun descended into a golden glow across the Hudson River and seeped through the green-turning gold leaves.
“How we spend our days is of course, how we spend our lives. What we do with this hour, and that one is what we are doing. A schedule defines from chaos and whim. It is a net for catching days” - Annie Dillard. I’ve been thinking a lot about the micro choices I’ve been making because being a people pleaser and an opportunist, I LOVE saying YES. Yes yes yes. However, every choice I make adds up in the long run. From the things I say yes to and from the people, I spend time with. Now none of it is bad but I realize in a place like New York, where there are so many options and choices, I find that by trying too many new things, it can be hard to commit to what I know I already like (ie. I’m mostly looking at you, writing.) But then again, it’s about finding the balance between calm and chaos; between seeking and savouring. Wow. I love those two parts of the last sentence. I am brilliant, aren’t I ;) ?
So, Midnights in a week. What’s that you say? Um, hello… you can’t be serious. OKay, so for those non-Swifties out there (but why, but also recognition for plurality and its essence in the stability of democracy…) Midnights is being released by Miss Taylor Swift at midnight Oct 21st. I’m elated. Over the moon. Last fall, as Red TV was being released, I painted my nails red for the first time ever in her honour. As I blog, my fingers decked out in red are boldly sprinting across the keyboard in her honour. Literally queen. Oh, right the joy from this may not be as clear for those non-Swifties but in that case, I will drop this recipe. Who doesn’t like cookies or chai for that matter?
What are some small victories you’re celebrating? What are some moments you’re excited about or things you’re looking forward to? What’s a moment this past week, that you felt very proud of someone you loved for?
This one’s going out to me. Well, future Cecilia who will re-read this blog a couple of months from now or a year out. Yes, you! Hello ! I am pretty proud of you. You are writing the blog with errors and some level of authenticity that I have always wanted to read in blogs. You are in the becoming. I hope you have been carving out time to write more. To do the hard work of reading the most painful things that happened to you and reshaping it. You’re going to do it. But you got to begin again. Sooo, we’re back. What’s something you want to tell your future self? How about, what’s something you wish you could tell your past self?
I discovered some awesome playlists. Sorry. I read this article “Generation Amazing!!! How We’re Draining Language of its Power.” Hmm, a synonym. These playlists are a pairing for moments and feelings that I have been seeking a playlist to fit into. Do you ever feel like a leading woman in a Nora Ephron rom com? Do you ever feel like a twenty-something secretly bottled up in a coastal grandmother's body? Yep, and yep. Well hey there, it’s nice to meet you, my fellow friend. We’ve got a lot in common.
I attended a few pretty big events this week. And well that probably also speaks to my fatigue and my slight annoyance with my roommate taking the last slice of pumpkin pie (also we good, because Cecilia got herself a pumpkin cheesecake slice at the Hungarian Pastry Cafe… can I say that their carrot cake and pumpkin cheesecake are the best I’ve ever had.) Not an exaggeration. I think I found the most delicious and perfectly balanced moist-ness (if that’s a word) in a carrot cake. Wow, in the evenings Cecilia’s weirdness just loves to shine. Right, the main point. These events reminded me of how important it is to be involved in community and to give back. It reminded me of how those many years ago, when I was in and out of the children’s hospital of the stories of the kids living next door to me. Of what got me started in volunteering and advocacy. It’s a good reminder when the work gets tough. When the living gets rough.
Well, to end on a ten. I want to give a shout-out to you, my reader. It’s easy for me to say you are beautiful, you are worthy, you are loved. When I’ve said it in the past. So I’m not going to do that. I’m going to say something else instead. I want to thank you for being in my life. In 7 or 8 out of 10 cases, I’m going to assume based on some data (haha google analytics and squarespace data) that you know me. Maybe you know me very well, or maybe you don’t. And maybe you don’t know me at all. But I want to thank you. Thank you for taking the time to read this word babble and word vomit. For choosing out of all the other things you could be doing, to invest your time in my feelings and my life experience. To share in the joy and the pain with me. It means the world. I started blogging when I was twelve because I was being bullied to the point I couldn’t see any of my worth and felt like a burden to society. this was especially crystallized when I lost my ability to volunteer, to work, to study, or to function much as a person when I was in the hospital and recovering for much of my later adolescent years. I wrote and I blogged because I read and I felt seen. And I can only hope that these words conjure up some meaning for you as well. I still write because I’m under perhaps a mistaken assumption that my words matter just like yours. I hope you know how valuable your life is and the story you tell. Because no one else can tell it. We all tell our stories in different ways. Some through the written word, others through their clothing, and others through how they express themselves in dance, music, math, and so forth. I hope you are boldly painting the strokes of your unique story. And I hope I have the privilege of hearing about it, seeing it, or experiencing it someday.
Now I’ll end off with some lovely photos of my friends and I, the past few months. How grateful I am for all of you. xoxo.
Things I Got to Do:
Going to Montauk for the first time with Christina! We had a serendipitous day, from getting the most delicious brunch at Bird on the Roof, to running into Clara’s younger sister Sylvie (crazy time seriously), and getting to lounge on beach chairs while eating fresh blackberries and reading our books. We also discovered the coolest hotel outside lounging area that connected to the beach. We basically faked it, till we made it.
going to 180 retreat and celebrating Wendy’s birthday
presenting some poetry I wrote at Elizabeth Street Garden and thanking lovely Clara for being there to support
watching the US Open with the amazing girls <3 we got to see Carlos play and he would win the US Open a few days later #historybeing made
saying goodbye to Maya as she treks over pond to become a rhodes scholar
going home to Vancouver after a year and spending time with family + loved ones xx
discovering my new fave book store in the Village called Three Lives and Company bookstore and eating L’Artsui for the first time with Christina
doing the Living Portrait in NYC with Christina and Lina / reuniting with Lina over dinner at L’Eataly
isolating due to COVID
just walking around Union Square greenmarket to get fresh groceries (my fave market) and embracing all the pumpkins
spending time in Riverside Park and Central Park… cause that’s all that I do and I want to continue doing it again and again
going to the Icla da Silva Foundation’s 30 year gala due to Jen (a fellow Shaper’s) generosity. Had the most loveliest time dressing up and standing next to my model friends
helping out with the International Day of the Girl event for work
seeing my beautiful friend Niki after 3.5 years apart! I met Niki at a LSE emerging markets conference in London, UK when I was on exchange and our group of friends Camille, Agnese, Niki, and I have managed to have our annual Facetimes being spread across the globe every year in March. Having Sweet Rehab and Il Corolla Trattoria in soho was the perfect way to spend a pouring Thursday night. Love you so much and miss you girls <3
Things I want to do still:
catskills foilage
sit on a bench in coney island, and listen to coney island
find a new running partner
write more poetry / join gotham writing group or a nyu creative writing class !!!
go back to ballet
